The Leafy Stick, Being the Second Part of the War Against Neal Pollack, in Which I Act Heroically
by Philip Toalston (buggfinnworks@hotmail.com)
It was not long after Legolas and I set off from the Gray Havens that we got bored and turned back. At first, I believed that Legolas's Elf-songs would be enough to keep the both of us entertained during the long journey to the Elvenhome, but as it turned out, he only knows the one song, and after the fourth or fifth time through it we both knew we were kidding ourselves. Plus, his voice is kind of high, and it's embarrassing.
"Would you mind singing it a little lower?" I asked.
"Lower?" He was confused. Elves are always getting confused. They're annoying that way.
"Yeah."
"Philip, it is not the way--"
"Whatever," I said, cutting him off. Legolas looked at his feet, then to the sky, worry beginning to show on his face. He sniffed at the air.
"For some time now there has been a shadow growing in my--"
"It's not funny anymore, Legolas." He looked disappointed. He'd been saying that every ten minutes or so, trying to get a laugh. More and more Legolas reminds me of Neal Pollack. Suddenly the wind shifted and all at once it began to grow dark, a chill sweeping across the water's surface.
"Philip?"
"Yes, Legolas?"
"This is boring."
"Do you want to go back?"
"Yeah."
"Ok. Why don't you lie down and take a nap while I turn the boat around."
"Ok." As we sail back towards the Gray Havens, I too begin to grow tired. I lie down to take a nap when suddenly, something cold and wet lands on my chest. I look down. It is a fish.
"How'd you get in here?" I ask.
"I just jumped. I have wing-like fins. See." He spreads his fins out to show me. I admire them.
"They are wing-like."
"Indeed. And now I will grant you three wishes."
"Okay," I tell him, "But right now I'm a little tired, can it wait a little while?"
The fish looks confused. Fish are always getting confused. They're real annoying that way. "But..." he begins, but is forestalled by the sound of a bowstring tensing. I follow the fish's eyes around to Legolas, who is taking aim and giving the fish a threatening look. "Okay," the fish says, his voice unsteady, "An hour." With that, we are all satisfied. Legolas relaxes his bow and resumes his nap, and I too follow him quickly into sleep.
We awake to the strong smell of fish. I glance at the sky. The darkness has passed. The sun is shining once again. "What's that fish smell?" I ask Legolas, who has begun to shoot arrows at seagulls circling our boat. Legolas shrugs. A gull splashes into the water with a final, terrified squawk. A quick glance around the boat reveals the source of the stink. A shriveled up fish. "Ewww," I say, and toss it over the side.
"That's a shame," says Legolas. I study the view ahead. We are almost back at shore.
With the help of a sudden gust of wind, we arrive at the Havens in no time. We step out of the boat and stretch. Immediately I become aware of someone nearby. It is Cirdan, the shipwright. Legolas is still stretching, his arms far above his head, when Cirdan sneaks up behind him and pokes him in the ribs. Legolas screams and we laugh at him.
"I guess you didn't see that shadow growing in your mind," I say.
"Word," says Cirdan, and he gives me a high five. But the bonding experience is soon over. "Back so soon?" Cirdan asks, eyeing us curiously. "Is something wrong with the boat?"
I'm pretty embarrassed that we didn't make it all the way, so I lie. I say, "No, no. We made it there and back again already. Yeah, everything's good back on the island. Elrond says hi."
"Oh, that was nice of him," Cirdan says, kicking some dirt with his toe.
"Speaking of which, why are you still here, Cirdan, and not with the other Elves?" asks Legolas.
"I could ask you the same thing," replies Cirdan.
"I had to come back for Phil and Neal Pollack when they missed the first ship."
Cirdan glances around. "Then where is Neal? Did you leave him on the island with the Elves?"
"Stop trying to change the subject."
"And why did you come back so soon?"
"You're the one who came back soon."
"All right, all right," I say, trying to control the situation before they start pulling each other's hair. "Everyone try to calm down."
"Why don't you come over here and make me calm down?" says Cirdan.
At that Legolas nocks an arrow and fires a warning shot into Cirdan's thigh. "Enough!" shouts Legolas.
Cirdan considers the arrow. "You're right," he says. "I'm sorry."
We gather our things from the boat and set off towards the nearest road. We have nearly reached it when we hear Cirdan calling from behind us in a sad voice, asking if he can come too. We ignore him because he is a baby. His pleading gradually fades as we follow the road northwards.
"Where are we going exactly?" Legolas asks when we stop for supper under an enormous tree alongside the Lhun River.
"Why do you have to ask so many questions?" I say, stirring a pot of stew.
"I just think that we should have some sort of idea--"
I cut him off and start mocking him in a high, girl voice, "I just think we should have some sort of blah blah blah."
Frustrated, he settles back against the roots of the enormous tree. I resume stirring the pot of stew, enjoying the silence, when I hear the first notes of Legolas's Elf-song, in a voice like a little girl's. "Knock it off, Legolas!" I say, whirling on him with the ladle in my hand, flinging a hot piece of carrot at his face. Legolas, being an Elf, can move really fast, and he catches it in his hand.
"It's not me!" cries Legolas, pointing over my shoulder. I turn around and am startled by the presence of a little girl, singing. She sees me and stops.
"Excuse me mister, but I got lost and I can't find my way back home and I'm hungry…” She really starts to bore me so I turn back to Legolas and catch him in the act of flinging the piece of carrot back at me, only, because I am also swift, I duck just in time and it lands on the little girl's cheek. She starts crying. I plug my ears and Legolas fits another arrow to his bow and aims it at her. That shuts her up really quick. She picks the carrot off her cheek and devours it. "I'm really hungry," she says. "Do you have enough food for me?"
I go back to investigate the pot of stew. There are only four servings at the most. "I'm sorry little girl. There's just not enough for you. But you're more than welcome to sit with us and watch while we eat ours."
"Okay," she says.
After we are finished with our seconds, Legolas stands up and announces that he is going to go wash up in the river before he turns in.
"Take your time," I say, stretching out near the fire, "maybe your voice will change." It is not long before Legolas's girlish scream comes to my ears. Reluctantly, I get up and head for the river to see what all the fuss is about. The little girl follows me. Legolas screams again. There appears to be no one by the river, and it is some time before we realize that Legolas is being carried downstream in the swift current.
"I think he's really in trouble," I say to the little girl. She looks up at me expectantly. "Well," I say, picking her up by her shoulders, "get in there and help for crying out loud!" And with that I pitch her into the river, but in short time she struggles her way to the bank, coughing and hacking, her wet hair clinging to her head like a bunch of seaweed. "Coward!" I cry. "Legolas! No one can save you!"
As if in answer, there is a racket coming from the woods behind us, a blend of bird-chirping and rustling shrubs and a strange singing, not sissy-singing like Legolas's, but just strange singing. Before I even see the long, yellow, pointed hat, I know who it is. "Tom! Tom Bombadil! Help us!"
"Hi ho Bombadillo!" comes Tom's voice as he bounds towards Legolas's churning arms, like some sort of singing superhero. Tom is singing a song about himself. He's really vain. As soon as he gets a little ways upstream of Legolas, Tom steps to the water's edge, sings a bunch more gibberish, and suddenly lily pads appear across the surface of the water. With nimble feet, the bearded lunatic skips across the makeshift bridge, offering his hand to Legolas as he passes by. Tom manages to grasp one of Legolas's thrashing arms, and is pulled into the river with him. I can't help but laugh. Up ahead, I notice, reaching out across the water, is a long, sturdy tree branch. Using his clever Elf wits, Legolas pushes Tom Bombadil below the surface and uses his submerged body as a sort of stepping-stone to reach the branch. He wraps both his arms around the branch and pulls himself out of the water. Air bubbles rise to the surface where Tom had been.
"I'm saved!" says Legolas, triumphant. He stands upright on the thick branch and follows it back to safety, not even teetering.
"Nice to see you safe, Legolas," I say, and I turn to the little girl who I notice is standing nearby, dripping water everywhere, still out of breath. "No thanks to her." We rise at dawn the next morning. We convince the little girl to find us some food for breakfast. She brings back a bunch of mushrooms and a rabbit. Legolas and I eat it, but there is none left for her.
"Sorry," I say, "But there's no time for you to get any more. We have to be going now."
"Where is it that we're going again?" asks Legolas, slinging his quiver of arrows over his shoulder.
"Why do you have to ask so many questions all the time?" I reply. Our conversation is interrupted by the little girl's high-pitched scream.
"Sounds like you, Legolas," I say, laughing.
The little girl continues to scream. We're starting to get really irritated by her screaming. I push her. "What's the big idea?" I say.
Shaking, she points to the shadowy forest alongside the road. "I saw something."
Legolas and I put out heads together and come up with a great plan to get rid of the whiny little girl. Turning to her, I say, "Well, don't just stand there. Go investigate it!"
Nodding reluctantly, the little girl creeps towards the evil-looking, dense foliage. As soon as she reaches the edge of the woods, Legolas and I start running down the road away from her. "Sucker!" I cry.
A familiar voice comes from behind us: "Stop!"
We stop running. We turn around. It is Neal Pollack. I consider walking toward him, but I stop when Legolas puts out his arm to block my path.
Legolas's voice is a harsh whisper. "Don't get too close, Philip! Look! He carries a leafy stick!"
I look at Neal Pollack and can hardly believe what I see. It is true. He carries with him a stick, leaves branching out from it in many places. He appears to be leaning on it, letting it take most of his weight. He's always been lazy.
"Guys!" says Neal Pollack, "It's so great to see you! That was a really great joke back there on the water, but you guys sailed away too fast for me to catch up! I think I threw my hip out."
"Stay back!" I cry, eyeing the leafy stick, readying myself for a battle with pure evil.
"Do not come any closer! Take the little girl if you must, but don't come any closer to us!" says Legolas. He readies his bow. He takes aim.
"Come on guys. Are you kidding? Do you know how hard it was to get back to shore and track you down? If it wasn't for Cirdan, I'd've lost you for sure."
"Cirdan!" says Legolas, spitting the name as if it were poison. "I knew it! He is in league with him. In league with Pollack! They mean to take over the world!"
"What? In league with who?" Neal takes a cautious step forward. "Guys. It's me! Neal!"
Legolas lets the arrow fly. Before he can dodge it, the arrow finds itself deep in Neal Pollack tissue. Neal drops his leafy stick and runs back into the woods, wailing.
"He's dropped the leafy stick!" says Legolas. "Run! For you lives, run!"
We turn and head up the road at a dead sprint, the little girl's voice trailing behind us--"Wait up! Wait up!"
A few hours later, when Legolas and I are all rested up from our run and far away from where Neal Pollack can harm us, the little girl manages to catch up, her lungs heaving like a bellows.
"About time," says Legolas, "You are really slow. I'm surprised he didn't kill you." I nod in agreement.
After the little girl finds us a nice supper to eat, we stand in the middle of the road, our destiny finally clear. "It is obvious what we must do, " I say. "We must go to the Gray Havens. We must find a ship and sail to the Elvenhome and warn the Elves of the menace of Neal Pollack. If action is not taken soon..." I sigh heavily, my face growing grim. "We must face and destroy Neal Pollack. The fate of the world lies in our hands."
The little girl speaks up. "Why do you want to hurt Neal Pollack? What did he ever do to you guys?"
"Why do you have to ask so many questions?" I say, and I push her again, this time hard. "We have to move." Suddenly I get another good idea. "Little girl, I want you to walk ahead of us. If Neal Pollack is still out there--and there's a good chance he is--he will get you first, because you are weak and slow, giving us time to run."
And with that we head back towards the Gray Havens. After a while the little girl starts singing, and Legolas, jealous, starts singing with her, trying to sing higher. And then they both start competing to see who can sing highest, like a couple of girls.
