GOTV, Mothafucka! [Nov 1, 2004]

Did you hear what the Republicans are doing in Ohio? Going to polling places as "cross-dressing African-American abortionist flag burners for Kerry?" Outrage! And in Florida, how they're distributing fliers saying that if Kerry wins, Democrats are going to start raping white women? I can't believe it...

Oh, hell. Who am I kidding? No one reads this site anymore. Once I built a railroad....

So tomorrow I'm participating in Stephen Elliott's Operation Ohio get-out-the-vote effort along with other authors who people actually like. The 22 students I'm calling will get this prescripted message, which I wrote.

"Hi, is this RANDOM COED? Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you? Right. I didn't realize that last night was the Heaven And Hell Party. Well, this is Neal Pollack from Operation Ohio...Neal Pollack...I'm a writer...A few things...I wrote this book called The Neal Pollack Anthology Of American Literature...That's OK...Not that many people have heard of it...Yes, I do know Dave Eggers....No. He doesn't give out his phone number...

"But I was really calling to remind you to go out and vote today. It's time for young people to take back this country. Don't be intimidated. Your vote counts.

"Oh, good. I'm glad you're planning to vote. What are you doing afterwards? Because I'd like to take you on a Caribbean vacation. Once people get into that hot weather, they shed their inhibitions, you know, they drink during the day and lazy, then they have dinner and come back and fool around...that's basically the modus operandi.

If I took you down there, I'd want to take a shower with you right away...You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back....It's one of those mitts, those felafel mitts you know, and I would put it around front, kinda rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs...."

Happy Election Day, everyone! Don't forget to vote!