An Interview With John O’Neill [Apr 22, 2004]

In my continuing efforts to make this website your number one source for fact-based Internet opinion, I’m dabbling in the question-and-answer format. Last week’s interview with Professor Leon Leftwich of Boston University drew so many hits that several attempts were made on Professor Leftwich’s life in the days following. Today I continue the series by interviewing John O’Neill, the Texan who this week went public with a claim that Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry, winner of three Purple Hearts and a Silver Star, is “not a war hero.” Well, O’Neill would know. He joined Kerry’s Navy unit two months after Kerry left Vietnam. Apparently, people told him secret things about Kerry, though I’m guessing he didn’t meet the supervising officer who said that Kerry “frequently exhibited a high sense of imagination and judgment in planning operations against the enemy.”

Yesterday, I spoke on the phone with O’Neill, who was just settling into his corner office at Republican National Committee headquarters. He had many other stunning revelations about our presumptive Democratic nominee for President.

NP: Mr. O’Neill, thanks for talking with me today.

JON: As a partisan political operative, I mean American citizen, it’s the very least I can do.

NP: You say you have fresh defamatory information about John Kerry?

JON: Yes I do. Apparently, John Kerry visited the city of Boston quite often in the 1970s.

NP: There are rumors that he even lived there.

JON: That’s right. Now, like most liberal elitists, Senator Kerry went out to dinner all the time, spending taxpayer money on lavish meals.

NP: Can you prove that?

JON: I believe it’s up to Mr. Kerry to release his dining receipts to the American public. But wait. There’s more. One night in 1975, I went to a restaurant. Apparently, Senator Kerry had been there two months earlier.

NP: No!

JON: Yes! And we had the same server. Apparently, Senator Kerry is a very bad tipper.

NP: That IS stunning!

JON: That’s not all. Apparently Senator Kerry, in the early 1980s, received a ticket for going 35 in a 25-mile-an-hour zone, ran a yellow light, and performed an unsafe lane change, all within the span of six months.

NP: Good lord. Can you email me copies of the tickets?

JON: All I know is that I drove in that area two months after Senator Kerry did, and I spoke to some people along the route.

NP: Yes. But I need hard evidence.

JON: I believe it’s up to Senator Kerry to release his driving records to the American public.

NP: OK, fine. But you said you had a bombshell. I haven’t heard anything bombshell-like yet.

JON: Are you ready?

NP: Yes.

JON: You know that Senator Kerry has been divorced, which goes against the laws of God.

NP: That’s debatable.

JON: Well, anyway, between his marriages, he dated a lot. I also happened to be single during that same period, and I started a relationship with a woman who’d broken up with Senator Kerry just two months earlier.

NP: Amazing.

JON: Isn’t it? So you’ll never guess what this woman told me.

NP: What?

JON: That Senator Kerry was a lousy lay.

NP: Really?

JON: Yes. And that he suffered from sexual dysfunctions.

NP: Uh-oh.

JON: I have it on good authority that Senator Kerry is a premature ejaculator.

NP: How the hell can you prove THAT?

JON: I believe it’s incumbent upon Senator Kerry to release himself before the American public.

NP: Mr. O’Neill, I’m hanging up on you now.

JON: Wait, wait!

NP: What?

JON: Do you like my hat?

NP: No, I do not like your hat.

JON: Goodbye, then.

NP: Goodbye.