Dr. Rice's Testimony [Apr 8, 2004]

A grand hush settles upon the inquisition chamber. Across this country, people are laying down their hoes, ceasing to look at dirty pictures on their computer screens, leaving small children to fester in dirty diapers. They wait, raptly, searchingly, for her arrival. How we’ve hoped, nay, prayed, that we would visit this day. At last, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice will testify before the 9-11 Commission. At last, she’ll be given a national television forum where she’s allowed to defame a man’s reputation under oath. At last, this woman will appear before us, and we will know her. Oh yes, we will know her.

I believe I see her now. Yes, yes, there she is, in the distance, she’s walking down the aisle, looking very confident, yet somber, for the country is faced with serious matters of great import. No one feels that more strongly that Condoleezza Rice. She is the most resolute and hard-working woman ever to work in our government, and also the only one who has an oil tanker named after her.

She sits. Professional. Responsible. Intelligent. Important. The very embodiment of the American dream and work ethic. The true heir to the learned legacy of our Founding Fathers. Condi Rice is smoking hot. A summary of her testimony follows:

Lie, lie, distortion, half-truth, pander, manipulation, pseudo-intellectual bombast. Dodge, dodge, feint, lie, dodge, avoid, subject change, lie, slander, pretentious generalization, character assassination, bald-faced lie.

Oversimplification, undersimplification, condescension, insult, insult, lie, avoidance of responsibility, avoidance of question about avoiding responsibility, cheap political point, utter, malicious lie.

Grimace, slither, dodge, lie, deliberate misinterpretation of history, nonpartisan character disparagement, narrative designed by public-relations experts to create maximum “connection” with American public. Appearance of professionalism, resoluteness, capableness, preparedness. Major omission of lie to create partial truth. Lie for political convenience. Lie for partisan gain. Lie to protect the economic interests of an incredibly small number of people. Reception of flattery. Dispersal of flattery. Abuse of good will afforbed by ten people who are trying to gather evidence without partisan bias. Backhanded dismissal of all criticsism. Denial of any responsibility in orchestrating what will almost certainly become the most tragic and bloody war of this generation.

Rinse and repeat.

Well, there she goes up the aisle toward who knows what mission vital to our national security. She appeared confident and secure. She told the story about how the Bush Administration did absolutely everything in its power to protect this country from terrorism, and then some, with the exception of the World Trade Center attacks, which no one could have predicted. No, there was no way to find out something like that was going on in this country, which is safer now than it’s ever been. That’s the story she told. And many people are going to believe her. I put myself among their number. Thank goodness people like Condoleezza Rice are in charge. I think she did, and will continue to do, a fine job.