Three is a Magic Number [Oct 28, 2003]

Today I, Matthew Tobey, enter the third day of my third stab at guest-blogging here at The Neal Pollack Invasion. I highly suggest you prepare yourself for triple the luster, triple the aroma and triple the divinity.

As you know, California is in the process of burning down even as I type this. By Friday, tinsel-town will be but a brilliant, glimmering, whore-like dream. But, what will become of the world with Los Angeles gone? This will:

After being sworn in as Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger will survey the damage and suggest that the state's capital be moved to a "less-charred city." When his advisors inform him that the capital of California is in fact Sacramento and not Los Angeles, Schwarzenegger will respond by burning Sacramento to the ground and suggesting that the capital be moved to Los Angeles. He'll be applauded for his foresight.

In a teary confession, Gray Davis will eventually reveal that it was he who had started the fire in the first place. Davis will admit that he'd been burning a box of love letters that California had written him "back in the day, and things just got way out of hand."

With their homes destroyed, many celebrities will be forced out of Southern California and will opt to relocate to other parts of the country. Through pure coincidence, both Morgan Freeman and Jennifer Love Hewitt will end up in Dog Patch, Kentucky. Their tremendous wealth coupled with the extremely low cost of living will render the pair Gods among men. Hewitt and Freeman will build vast estates, eventually employing every citizen of the tiny hamlet between the two of them. At first they'll peacefully coexist, but when the last inch of property in town goes up for sale, a fierce bidding war will ensue. Eventually a bitter and violent rivalry will develop with the townspeople pitted against one another. A battle will rage and when the smoke clears, all but Hewitt and Freeman will lay dead. It will be at that moment that the pair will realize that they'd been in love the whole time. But it will be too late because a big dog will sneak up and maul them both to death, all because of a little fire.

It's pretty obvious that the California wildfire isn't the only thing that's violently out of control.

If you hate wildfires, you ought to buy Neal's book and CD and visit Haypenny and The City of Floating Blogs. And don't forget to watch Neal on The Daily Show tomorrow night. If you love wildfires, you should email me.