The Mid-Mid-Terms [Oct 27, 2003]

Breathe easy, my electronic fan club. I, Matthew Tobey of Haypenny and The City of Floating Blogs, am back again for day two of my five-day blogslaught of The Neal Pollack Invasion.

As you’ve no doubt heard, Neal is off traipsing across the Republic, hawking his new book and rock-and-roll record. You should buy several copies of both, even if you already have. If you don’t, then it’s more than likely that you condone the actions of the New Jersey foster parents who let their four children waste away to as little as 28 pounds.

Also, be sure to tune in this Thursday evening when Neal will appear on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. It promises to be a monumental television event somewhere in between Roots and Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

But enough stroking my host’s ego and figurative-cock, there are more pressing issues afoot, and they’re pressing our collective foot.

Yesterday I wrote of the Democratic hopefuls for the 2004 Presidential election, but why get so ahead of ourselves? With November 2K3 less than a week away, the 2003 elections are the horse to the 2004 elections’ cart.

“2003 elections? Which 2003 elections?” You’re asking your monitor as if it were my ever-attentive and all-knowing face.

There are plenty of 2003 elections. Why, in my hometown of Garden City, Michigan alone, the mayoral election has become one of the hottest political rivalries since Lincoln v. Booth. Here are just a few of the events that have unfolded in the knockdown-drag-out race between Joanne Dodge and Jaylee Lynch:

In order to capitalize on recent high-profile political happenings, Dodge brought action-star Steven Seagal on board as a consultant and spokesperson. Unfortunately, the plan blew up in her face when it was discovered that Seagal has embezzled $10,000 in campaign contributions to fund his raging elephant-ear addiction.

To criticize her opponent’s proposed economic-plan, Lynch spent an entire Wednesday afternoon in the center of downtown wearing a Joanne Dodge mask while passing out velvet jeweler boxes packed with her own stool.

Last Monday, the third and most heated of their untelevized debates screeched to a halt as the feisty pair shared a tender embrace and a few tears upon realizing that they agreed wholeheartedly on the subject of re-blacktopping the jogging track at the park. Seagal stormed out in a huff, referring to the proceedings as “amateur-hour” before retiring to his hotel-room with two ripe watermelons: "one to eat and one to fuck."