Third Time's the Charm [Oct 26, 2003]
Hello again, good people of the Internet. I, Matthew Tobey of Haypenny and The City of Floating Blogs have once again returned to keep Neal Pollack’s seat warm. After Neal and a fine quartet of other substitutes, I’ve certainly got my work cut out for me, but I plan to make this, my third guest-blogging stint, my finest yet.
“What will you be infotaining us with this week, Matthew Tobey?” You’re squealing with anticipatory delight, like a greedy child with scant manners. “The low-down on the war on terror? The inside scoop about the next action-star to enter politics? Sure-fire melanoma home-remedies?”
All possibilities, dear readers, though today, there is but one thing on my mind: The bloody battle for the Democratic nomination for President.
As you likely watched last night, the nine hopefuls gathered together in Detroit, the city of lights, for a fierce debate that will go down as one of the great political fisticuffs of American history. Here are just a few of the highlights:
Upon being challenged on his universal healthcare plans by Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman, elfin Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich leapt across the stage with a blood-curdling shriek and bit out part of Lieberman’s neck shouting, “now, imagine you’re one of the millions of uninsured Americans. What would you do about that nasty gash?”
When asked about his stance on fourth-trimester abortions, former-Vermont Governor Howard Dean chose to respond with a series of interpretive headstands. This was followed by an impassioned eight-minute ovation by the audience.
After Carol Mosely-Braun vehemently defended her controversial views on the decriminalization of armed robbery, former General Wesley Clark stole most of her thunder with a dead-on Christopher Walken impression. Moderator Huel Perkins was so moved that he made out with Clark for the next sixty seconds in lieu of a question.
Yes indeed, my brothers and mothers, the 2004 race is heating up like a California wildfire. What else could possibly be in store?
