One More Night, One More Night [Oct 24, 2003]

Hey, everybody. Jesse Popp here for my final post. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit being full of crap. I told you guys that Neal Pollack would be on the Daily Show Thursday night, but my promise was dashed by the bleak visage of Sir Anthony Hopkins, star of stage and screen. Oh well. Sawwwreee! Even so, you can still buy Neil’s new book and CD and/or go see him on tour.

So, do you guys have any big plans this weekend? Whatever you do, don’t ask Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia if he wants to have sodomy or it’ll make steam shoot out of his ears. Yesterday Scalia spoke to an audience of conservative activists and had some things to say about the recent ruling to legalize “The Fifth Beatle”. While he didn’t comment about my new slang word for sodomy, he did say this:

The ruling, Scalia said, "held to be a constitutional right what had been a criminal offense at the time of the founding and for nearly 200 years thereafter." Scalia adopted a mocking tone to read from the court's June ruling that struck down state antisodomy laws in Texas and elsewhere. Scalia wrote a bitter dissent in the gay sex case that was longer than the ruling itself. On Thursday, Scalia said judges, including his colleagues on the Supreme Court, throw over the original meaning of the Constitution when it suits them. "Most of today's experts on the Constitution think the document written in Philadelphia in 1787 was simply an early attempt at the construction of what is called a liberal political order.”

Full disclosure: I went to Catholic school for one year when I was 15 and sat next to Scalia’s grandson in Algebra class. All I can remember is that he always carried around a huge duffle bag. I can’t be sure, but it was probably filled with spaghetti and gavels. Just like Grandpa!

Salon is reporting that Former Ambassador Joseph Wilson is endorsing John Kerry for President. Nowhere in the article does it mention how I gave Joseph Wilson a ride to the airport last month. I smell a cover-up of minor proportions! At any rate, endorsements are all well and good, but I’m waiting until the TV ads start to make my decision! I have certain questions for the candidates that only TV campaign ads can answer. Such questions as:

Have you ever had a picnic with minority schoolchildren?

Do you like to quickly walk down hallways while surrounded by people holding clipboards and laws?

Can you go to a factory, put on a hard hat, shake hands with other people in hard hats, and look at a blueprint while pointing off into the distance as if you know how to extrapolate things from a blueprint?

I want to know, doshgammit! Seriously though, why do political candidates spend so much time trying to make us think that they’re nice? After all, if being nice made you a good leader then we’d all be speaking German right now. That’s right, I’m talking about Hitler: good guy, bad public speaker. If only there was a way to make Hitler and Dale Carnegie have a baby...then we’d be in business!

Well, I distinctly remember Neal telling me to “spend Friday talking about sodomy and Hitler for almost 600 words and then stop.” So, that should just about do it for me. Thanks a lot for letting me type here all week. It was fun. Keep an eye peeled on this site as Matthew Tobey will be taking over come Monday. He has hair of gold and is the Bo Duke to my Luke Duke to your Roscoe P. Coltrane. Have a good weekend!