My Baby Just-a Wrote Me a Letter [Oct 16, 2003]

Hi there, Christopher Monks here to keep you warm and cozy while Neal is off touting his book and CD. Yesterday was yet another historic feather in my blog cap as I successfully completed InstaPunditathon II. It was touch and go there for a few stretches, but in the end I mustered just enough blog power to get the job done. I am all at once proud and in awe of me.

However, Instapunditathon II did not end without taking its toll on me. I am wiped out something fierce. Mentally, physically, existentially--you name it, I'm exhausted in every which way. Flat out exhausted. The residual effects of taking seven too many Tylenol PMs on an empty stomach aren't exactly a joyride. Yet, I know I have a job to do, and that is to try and keep a hold to as many of Neal's regular readers as possible until the week is out. So even though I'm only just beginning to regain my strength, I shall march on with a brand new post for today. You're welcome.

The Form Letter to Home Scandal is still making waves across the country. At least 500 members of 2nd Battalion of the 503rd Airborne Infantry Regiment sent letters to home championing their efforts in Iraq and describing the atmosphere there as "a home away from home." Upon further investigation, however, these letters weren't written by the soldiers. In fact they weren't letters at all, but rather a single letter written by a commanding officer which was copied and signed separately by each soldier. Newspapers that got a hold of the letter and published it before they realized it was a form letter, (including the hallowed Boston Globe), were not exactly pleased about it. Oddly enough this scandal, (or is it an "affair") cropped up around the same time that President Bush chastised the media for putting a negative spin on the progress in Iraq.

For me, I think good news--in whatever way, shape, or misguided-trickery-type-form--is a good thing. If the form letter does anything it proves that we as Americans are all about good news. We live for the stuff. And I think the letter should be redistributed to the public so as we can take pride and revel in all the awesome things that are going on over there in Iraq.

It's hard to find the letter in its entirety online, but I've managed to find some of its uplifting excerpts that are bound to make you smile and thankful that we're spending over 100 billion dollars on a country thousands of miles away from us. Here are a few of them:

From Paragraph 1: "The quality of life and security for the citizens has been largely restored, and we are a large part of why it has happened."

From Paragraph 2: "After nearly five months here, the people still come running from their homes, into the 110 degrees heat, waving to us as our troops drive by on daily patrols of the city. Sometimes it even seems as though the Iraqis are intentionally trying to miss us with the rocks they throw in our direction."

From Paragraph 3: ''There is very little trash in the streets, many more people in the markets, shops and children have returned to school, and it has never been easier as it is now to rent soft-core pornography. This is all evidence, that the work we are doing is bettering the lives of Kirkuk's citizens.''

From Paragraph 4: "Children smile and run up to shake hands in their broken English shouting, 'Thank you, Mister. Now please stop shooting our cats for sport.'"

From Paragraph 5: "Iraqi soft-core pornography is really underrated. It's a soft-core nirvana up in here."

So there you have it: you can't help be feel proud after reading those words. Who cares if they were made up in an effort to pump pro-war propaganda back into the United States? The truth is the truth, and there's nothing more truthier than the document these fine men and women of our military signed even though most had no idea what they were signing.

God Bless America!