Instapunditathon II [Oct 15, 2003]
***SCROLL DOWN TO BOTTOM END OF THIS ENTRY FOR INSTAPUNDITATHON II UPDATES***
Hi again, Christopher Monks here continuing my week-long guest-blogging stint while Neal is off promoting his book and CD. It's been lots of fun so far and the virtual silence of your response to my efforts has assured me that you are captivated and enthralled by me.
Speaking of being captivated and enthralled and a public eyesore, magician and bedmate to the stars, David Blaine is in the final week of his stunt in the sky over London. He's spent over the last month hanging from a Plexiglas box without any food. All in all I think it's pretty safe to say that Blaine probably hoped for a little more public adulation than he’s received as he's endured a lot of harassment from Londoners during his stay.
I can't say I didn't see this coming. I mean I could, but I won't because then I'd be lying. I wasn't impressed when Blaine began this stunt and I'm still not. Give me a month's worth of adult diapers, Gatorade, and lip balm and I'll hang in a box from anywhere. I once stood on an ex-girlfriend's front lawn for four days with nothing more than a half-eaten burrito and some Certs, so I could easily handle six weeks in a glass box.
Yes, yes, some of you are suspecting that you've read part of that last paragraph before, and you have. I wrote it the day before Blaine entered his box and hung himself out to dry before a mocking British public. In an effort to match his "courageous" undertaking I undertook one of my own: I attempted to do nothing but read the Instapundit's blog for twenty four hours straight. No food, no water, no bathroom breaks, no reading other lesser blogs; just me, my computer, and the Instapundit for a whole day. I called it my "Instapunditathon."
Yes, it was quite a challenge, one that turned out to be far greater than I ever imagined. In addition to trying to match endurance skillz with Blaine, I was also using my Instapunditathon as an opportunity to prove to my ex-girlfriend Beatrice that I am a very powerful blogger with unlimited talent and a bright, bright future in the posting random thoughts on a webpage industry. I also wanted to make her see that she blew it when she dumped me for that mean, but popular Jason McHenry. I thought that my Instapunditathon would once and for all make Beatrice realize that although she's married to "Meany" McHenry and living in a luxurious house in the rich, white people section of town, she blew it when she broke-up with me. And just so we're clear: my intention was never to win back Beatrice's affections. No, no, I am happily married and My Lady treats me good like no one else ever could. I just want Beatrice to recognize that she messed up big time and to admit that deep down she is still miserably in love with me.
However, since the Instapunditathon I have heard nary a word from Beatrice. At the least I expected am awkwardly worded Columbus Day card from her. But I've gotten nothing. Perhaps she doesn't read blogs. Oh god, you think Beatrice's life is so rich and white that she has failed to realize the magic and wonder that is the Blogosphere? Mercy.
Regardless, I still fear she has yet to learn of my blogging power. So I figured that since I am writing this week on a higher profiled blog than my own, a second Instapunditathon may have a better chance of reaching Beatrice's radar. Plus, I don't think it will hurt to prove yet again to David Blaine that two can play his monkey show-like games. Box schmox; I'll be living with the Instapundit all freakin' day. Top that. And since there is still some dispute as to whether I broke down and ordered a pizza during the final hours of the first Instapunditathon, I know this time I will prove unequivocally that I am the most powerful and dynamic and moderately attractive looking blogger in the all the Blogosphere.
So return here often throughout the day and evening, for I will be updating frequently and commenting on each and every one of the Instapundit's "interesting" posts while at the same time making Beatrice regret the day she called me "boring" and left me alone and crying by the salad bar at Crazy Pizza.
Wish me luck.
I love you all.
INSTAPUNDITATHON UPDATE #1 (9:37 am): I feel incredibly strong and raring to go for I am a powerful animal willing to withstand any and all posts the Instapundit has in store for me today!
His first link of the day is to some guy writing about how Yale Law School is inhibiting its students' rights to free speech. I can't make much sense of it, mainly because I took three Tylenol PMs before I went to bed last night so that I would be well-rested and fit for today's Instapunditathon, and I'm still a tad groggy from it. Yale law school talk doesn't exactly rock my boat either, but it’s early so I'm sure whatever the Instapundit has in store for me next will be scintillatingly tingly.
Well, his next post is a little better, but not by much. In it quotes a couple paragraphs from Megan McArdle that seems to be about social security, Medicare, and Swiss cheese. I suppose it's a worthwhile quote, but I'm distracted by the cheese references and the Instapundit doesn't help by throwing his own clever line about "government cheese" in the end. I love cheese, and I worry that there is some mocking of cheese going on here. He's going to lose a lot of dairy land raders if he keeps this up. An interesting side note here is that the Instapundit decided to use an ellipsis after his clever "governement cheese" reference this time. Typically he'll end a clever reference or jab with an exclamation point. I wonder if he's feeling a little down today. Hmm. Maybe he too took one too many Tylenol PMs last night. Man, am I moving slow. Oh well.
The Instapundit's third post links to a news story about how a is judge making journalists reveal their sources in regards to the former nuclear weapons scientist Wen Ho Lee scandal. Surprisingly enough, the Instapundit suggests that Robert Novak should be next so he can tell the real story behind the Plame Scandal. Or wait; he doesn't call it a "scandal" but rather an "affair," the "Plame Affair." Is that the official name for it now, or is he simply making some point? Just when does an "affair" turn into a "scandal" anyhow? "Affair" sounds fun and free-wheeling, like an extended picnic with balloons and cupcakes. I love cupcakes. "Scandal" sounds dark and disturbing and very, very cupcakeless. I hate scandals. So perhaps the Instapundit has just turned a corner today and his mood is better. He's all about balloons and cupcakes now because he's calling it the "Plame Affair." Good for him; he's the Happy Happy Funpundit now!
His last and most recent post links to Tim Blair who's being "funny" and "witty" about the cartoonist Ted Rall while at the same time throwing a barb at the Archbishop of Canterbury. Is it me or do bloggers spend more time than most harping on the cartoonists they do or don't like? Geek colors are shining through. Don't get me wrong: I love a good comic strip. I laugh and laugh and laugh at whatever that crazy Marmaduke does. I just think that as bloggers we should be spending more time on getting a life and connecting to the real world, and less time talking about comics. I mean did the cool and popular kids in high school give the Comic Strip Club the time of day? I think not.
Okay, that's all for now. I'll update again soon. I've never felt stronger. This Instapunditathon II is the best idea I've had all week.
INSTAPUNDITATHON UPDATE #2 (10:09 am): Man, no sooner had I finished the first update did the Instapundit slay us with more new posts. I fear it's gong to be harder to keep up with him this time. Why the hell did I take those Tylenol PMs last night? No matter, I'm strong like a bull no matter how many sleep-aiding drugs are flowing through my system. Nap schmap: I got a Instapunditathon to do!
So the Instapundit continues his blogging dominance by linking to a new edition of the Carnival of the Vanities. The "Carnival" is a collection of the "best" blog entries of the week from around the Blogosphere. Perusing the list I find that not one single entry of mine has made the cut. Again. And please don't use this as an opportunity to say "I told you so!" That's not funny or nice and as my mother you should be more supportive...wait; you're not Mommy. Whoa. Hold a sec. Those were Tylenol PMs I took last night, right?
The next link sends us to some guy's blog I've never heard (but who undoubtedly get more hits a day than my blog does) who's refereeing a debate between two other bloggers about the Bush Administration's pre-war rhetoric. What fun.
Finally, the Instapundit sends his minions to an article about the rehabilitation of Iraq's infrastructure. Looks like things are really looking up over there. They have electricity now, and more money is being spent on health care than Saddam Hussein ever did. And the with Joe Millionaire 2 premiering next week, it appears that things are really finally starting to settle down. Iraq is free! Woo-hoo. But then the Instapundit has to go and ruin it by bringing in Cuba and Castro into the argument. It's wonderful to talk about health care systems in Iraq and Cuba, but if it turns out I'm tripping on Tylenol PMs I know I'm still going to have to wait five hours in the Emergency Room before my stomach gets pumped. I hate having my stomach pumped.
INSTAPUNDITATHON UPDATE #3 (11:24 am): I'm holding up okay so far. Have a few stomach pains here and there, but I'm not sure if it's because of hunger pains or the Tylenol PM. I haven't seen visions of my mother recently, so that's a good sign. My hands are fascinating things. Have you ever noticed them before? I mean, you know, not my hands, but hands in general. Hands rock. They're moving, shaking, pointing things. Hi Mommy.
Germans have hands too. But according to an article linked by the Instapundit they're victims with innately evil hands. Apparently, a third of all Germans now believe that Germany was a victim of World War II. I'm not sure, but this poll seems a little too conveniently helpful to the anti-European cause. I trust polls about as much as I trust my ex-girlfriend Beatrice. Are you out there, Bea? Can you hear me? Here, let me wave my fascinating hands in the air. See them? They're glowing.
INSTAPUNDITATHON UPDATE #4 (12:42 pm): So there has been a lull in posts by the Instapundit for quite some time now. What's up with that? I know I was complaining earlier about how quickly he was posting, but I think I prefer that lots of new content to staring at the same old screen over and over again. I clicked the "Make a Donation" button on his front page a few times just to break up the monotony. It didn’t really work. I refrained from giving him any money. I figure he's good for cash what with his millions of hits and that cushy law professor job where he gets to blog about politics, his car, and techno music all day. Where are the techno posts anyway? I can remember a time when he wrote at least five techno posts a week. I hate techno.
I hate not being able to use the bathroom either. Why do I always have to make holding my bladder a requirement for an Instapunditathon. I have some adult diapers, but my pipes lock up whenever I put them on. Cramps me something fierce. I know you don’t want to hear about my excretory system, so I'll try to keep away from the topic. Just go easy on the waterfall references. Thanks.
I wonder what the Instapundit is doing instead of posting. I bet he's eating lunch. I love lunch. Damn. Stupid Instapunditathon and not being able to eat. It's all David Blaine's fault. He sleeps with Fiona Apple and suddenly he thinks he can go weeks without eating. What gives? I bet the Instapundit is a big time meat-eater. Perhaps he's eating a pork chop sandwich right now. Man, what I would do for a pork chop sandwich. Damn it! How did I get myself into this mess? Screw it, I'm miserable, where are those Tylenol PMs? I'm taking some more; my hands haven't glowed in like 20 minutes.
INSTAPUNDITATHON UPDATE #5 (2:02 pm): Before I comment on the latest round of posts of the Instapundit, I'd like to thank everyone who has emailed me with their testimonies of support and encouragement. Oh, wait; I forgot-- there haven't been any emails of support of encouragement. I may come off as a one man blog-force-machine-type-of...um...guy, but I am just a common man who like anyone else is fueled by the support and encouragement of others. Maybe you're to busy living your eat when you want/pee when you want/Tylenol PM free life to send me an email, and if that's the case, so be it. I understand. However, if you have the time please feel free to send me an email and if I find it suitably supportive and encouraging enough I'll post it on the letters page.
But back to my hands: my beautiful neon lit hands. Let's pause and take a period of time not less than five seconds to acknowledge their glowing glory...
...Hi glowing hands... you're my favorite...I...love...you
Okay, good. Now on to the Instapundit's posts:
It seems the Instapundit is skeptical about Bolivia's upcoming elections. He's worried that some candidates are but mere fronts for anti-American pinko terrorists. Oh, good: more people to be afraid of. It's not even Halloween yet, but already I'm a blathering ball of fear and anxiety. What ever will I do? Perhaps I should take ownership of my fear and meet it head-on by dressing up as some sort of wild and crazy German-Bolivian comic strip artist for Halloween. Shivers. The mere idea gives me the willies.
The link that follows sends us to an article by a radio dee-jay guy named Kevin who interviewed Ed Asner . At first, the interview cast Asner as some sort of Stalin junkie saying the former Russian dictator was "hugely misunderstood." But then at the bottom of the article there is a retraction where Kevin admits he incorrectly quoted Asner, and that he said nothing of the sort. Wild stuff. Sign this guy Kevin up for FoxNews!
Next up there is a link to a writer from The Weekly Standard who defends Cheney's Meet the Press comments about WMDs in Iraq. The writer thinks Cheney's answer of "We don't know" to the question of was there a link between Hussein and the 9/11 attacks, was "straightforward" and "accurate." Wouldn't it be great if life was like that? That whenever you said "I don't know" it would be deemed straightforward and accurate. Like say you're a teenager and you arrived home way past your curfew and your parents asked you where you had been and you say "I don't know" and they'd be like "Cool, whatever, see you in the morning." Wouldn't that be sweet? I'm going to use "I don't know" more often now; I think it’ll give me the credibility I’ve been lacking.
I'm tired and hungry and I need to go the bathroom.
INSTAPUNDITATHON UPDATE #6 (4:09 pm): It's come to my attention that I have been spelling the Instapundit's name wrong. Apparently it's "InstaPundit" instead of "Instapundit." Not much of a difference, yet still I'm all about being straightforward and accurate so from now on this will be deemed "InstaPunditathon II." Another thing I noticed is that when others refer to the InstaPundit, they omit any use of an article, so instead of "I want to make-out with the InstaPundit" it's "I want to make-out with InstaPundit." Atrios , who was kind enough to link to Instapunditathon II from his site, is one who forgoes any use of an article, so perhaps I should do the same. Then again, he spells it "instapundit" so maybe he's just as confused as I am about the guy's name.
The first of three new links from the Instapundit InstaPundit sends his blog lemmings to a site that reports a surplus growth for the state of Tennessee. Then the InstaPundit goes on to offer advice to Gov. Schwarzenegger, saying that he should prick the ear of Tennessee’s Governor about managing a poor state economy and bringing people together from both parties to fix it. Wait; "prick the ear" is not the way the old adage goes. What is it then? I forget how it goes. Tap the ear? Clean the ear? Prick the nose? No, no, no. Damn. Now I'm distracted.
Moving on to the next post, the InstaPundit links to an article by some guy entitled, "Walk Back the Cat." I was excited at first because I'm a big-time cat lover. I just find them lovable and cuddly and low-maintenance. Yet, as I started reading the article I soon found that it had nothing to do with kitties, and everything to do with defending the United States' invasion of Iraq. Ho-hum.
Pick the brain! That's the old saying: pick the brain. Schwarzenegger should pick the brain of Tennessee’s Governor for advice. Hmm. That sounds sort of nasty. Didn't Arnold already do that in "Total Recall"?
The last post of this set from the InstaPundit sends us once again to Megan McArdle's blog, as she is giddy over NY Times columnist and chairperson of the "Frenchies are bad" club Paul Krugman's article about the dire straits of the economy. What's up with Megan McArdle anyway? She has a weird name thing going on too, as she goes by two different names. Is she "Jane Galt" or is she "Megan McArdle"? I'd love to have two different names. That would be sweet. Like if I was sick one day and didn't want to go to work, I'd just send in my other name to take my place. Nobody would ever know!...wait, no; that wouldn't work. I think I've confused what I'd do if I had a clone with what I'd do if I had two different names. Still, having a clone would rock, especially during an InstaPunditathon. Imagine how empty my bladder would be. Wow. And think of all the god damn pork chop sandwiches I could eat. All the while my clone would be standing by the computer being me and reading the InstaPundit all day. Ha-ha. Stupid clone.
I think my butt is asleep because I cannot move up from my chair. I also think my hands are inhabited by Neonitus, the God of Neon. Oh...the colors.
Anyway, I have received many heartwarming emails of support and encouragement since I begged for them during the last update. Keep them coming!. The missives will be posted on the Letters "Love Mail" section of this site in the next few minutes. I will now take three more Tylenol PMs to celebrate these people's brazen act of kindness.
INSTAPUNDITATHON UPDATE #7 (5:37 pm): It's been over 10 hours now since this InstaPunditathon II started, and boy am I loving Tylenol PMs! It's weird; they're supposed to help you sleep, but if you take enough of them their effect is just the opposite. I'm raging! I feel like I can do six or seven more InstaPunditathons. I AM A VERY POWERFUL MAN WITH BIG BEAUTIFUL GLOWING HANDS THAT ARE LIGHT AND FEATHERY AND WICKED AWESOME. Beatrice doesn't know what she's missing. I bet Jason McHenry has womanly hands. Not that there's anything wrong with that--on a woman. Well, tough luck, Beatrice. These hands belong to another lady now. You can't have them. You can't FEEL THEIR FEATHERY DELIGHT!
Only one link in the past couple of hours from the InstaPundit. It's a gun-happy entry that will surely make him first on the NRA's "friendly" list. It sends his blind followers to an article about a gun range that's demographic target is the whole family. The family that plays with guns together stays together. Until a mishap occurs, anyway. That's not saying I'm anti-gun. No, no. Keep driving, friend. The road is yours. DO what you will with your scary looking pick-up truck. You are king of the road, my scary gun-toting friend.
INSTAPUNDITATHON UPDATE #8 (9:01 pm): OH MY FUCKING GOD THE FUCKING RED SOX CAME BACK TO BEAT THE YANKEES!!! YESSSSSSS!!!
ahem...
I mean, "Gee, I wonder who won that game between the Red Sox and Yankees that I of course haven't been watching because of my InstaPunditathon duties?" I bet the Red Sox choked again. Typical. Plus that Yankees bullpen is solid, especially that Cuban defector Jose Contreras. He's untouchable. Red Sox don’t stand a chance in the late innings. Oh well. I guess I'll see the highlights after the Instapunditathon.
Sorry for the lack of a recent update, just as I did in the first InstaPunditathon, I've gotten a little spacey and there've been times in the past hour or so when I wasn't sure whether I was awake or dreaming. Like now. God, I hope I 'm dreaming, because if not I just urinated all over the printer. Again. Happened during the first Instapunditathon, too. Was a $150 repair, plus another $20 for some heavy duty air freshener. Suck.
Oh, well. On with the show. The InstaPundit has been busy. So let's see what kind of knowledge he's dropped:
This link adds yet more fuel to the "Ha-ha, Germany" fire. It seems many of Germany's brightest scientists are bolting for the United States. I love how the InstaPundit keeps driving home the same point throughout the day. "Germany bad! Germany bad! Germany bad!"
The next link also refers to an earlier post from the day, as it sends InstaPunditians to another site that bashes the Archbishop of Canterbury for his anti-war/critical of US foreign policy beliefs. Silly religious people and their silly peacenik ideas. Tsk-tsk.
Then the InstaPundit moves on to outer space as he sends two links Rand Simberg's way. Simberg has one article about China's overrated space program, and another (on the FoxNews' website, no less) about commercial space legislation. I loved Rand Simberg when he played for the Cubs, but I'm not sure where he's coming from dissing the Chinese and their space program like he does. Sure, he could hit homeruns with the best of them, but has he ever built or flown a rocket ship? I doubt it...wait, actually, he may know how--no, no: I doubt it.
Lastly, the InstaPundit uses a frequent trick from his bag of...um..."tricks" by writing a quick and cryptic two sentence post where the reader has to follow the links to figure out just what he's saying. And one of them is a link to an article he wrote! Clever, clever boy! Mommy likes you best! Wait; Mommy is that true? You always said I was your favoritest. Why are you here anyway, Mommy? Is it bath time? Okay, I must be dreaming because yesterday was bath day, not today. Go away Mommy vision; you're not real. You’re just a figment of my Tylenol PM dominated imagination. Yes, my room is clean! It is! I cleaned it this morning, Mommy! God! How come you never believe me!?!
Sorry. Lost it there. I'm pretty sure I'm awake now. My stomach is hurting too much for it to be a dream. I'm not going anywhere, though. The InstaPundit is usually good for a few more posts this time of night, and I'll be right here matching each and every one of them.
Go Sox.
INSTAPUNDITATHON UPDATE #9 (11:34 pm): Poem for my magic feathery neon lit hands:
Hi friends
Magic feathery neon lit friends
You're special to me
Now pop some more of those Ty-Ty PMs into my mouth
Thank you. When it comes right down to it, I'm a poet. While I specialize in semi-autobiographical erotic poetry, I can dabble ably in lesser forms of the art, especially on a stomach empty of everything but Tylenol PMs.
I hope and pray that the Instapunditathon is done for the evening. It's not that I can't take it any more, because I could if I had to; I'm a strong and powerful blogger willing to cowboy up if called to duty. It's just that I worry about the InstaPundit's personal life, and hope he can use dome of his free time to hang out with his InstaLady. I think she must feel a tad neglected. Beatrice made this same sort of claim about me. She whined about how much time I spent playing video games and working and playing video games and blah-blah-blah—CAN’T YOU SEE I'M ON THE LAST LEVEL OF DOOM II?!?! Whoa. Flashback. In any event, I hope InstaPundit sets aside some quality time for his InstaLady every day.
He starts off this night's entries with a mention of the Chinese astronaut's (or "taikonaut") safe return to Earth. I've read the post like five times and I still can't detect any sign of smugness, so maybe the InstaPundit is happy about this. Good for him.
Up next is a post to some blog that reports how gossip columnist Liz Smith is calling for the MPAA's head, Jack Valenti, to be recalled. I guess this is in regards to him banning screeners--the home videos and DVD copies movie studios send out during awards season. I don't whether it's because it's late or that I'm starved and pepped up on Tylenol PMs, but I agree with Liz Smith on this one. How else are voters going to be able to see smaller, less distributed films? One thing that's pretty funny about this blog is the comments left on it. What a big, bag of fun that place must be day in and day out.
The InstaPundit follows that up with a link to an article about Indian casinos and their growing role in politics. My hands are too delightful and bright to read it, but has anyone seen that new show on NBC called "Las Vegas"? When I saw the ads for it this summer I gave it four episodes before it would be cancelled, but what do you know: it got picked up for the full season yesterday. I still won't watch it, though; James Caan gives me the bad hoo-has something fierce.
Then comes a baseball themed post that within it lies a crack against the Red Sox:
Back that thing up, InstaPundit. Dem dar is fightin' words. I'm actually not even sure what he means, but it still pisses me off. Lucy is good at football; she just screws Charlie Brown every time he tries to make a kick. So basically his analogy makes no sense whatsoever. If anything, one could make a better argument for the Red Sox being the Charlie Brown of baseball. I'm totally confused by this post. Am I paranoid or did he put that little crack in just for me? God damn it. This calls for another Tylenol PM.
Moving on to the next post, the Instapundit links to a blog discussing how the Army is learning a lesson from the Marines about something or other. I really don't care. I'm still fuming over the Red Sox crack. He says he's not blogging about baseball, but he still finds the time to spit on the Red Sox. Classy.
Oh, and now it seems that as I was typing this update, the InstaPundit has gone ahead and written yet more new posts. Great. Just when I thought I was done. Suck. Stupid InstaPunditathon II.
Okay so the next two posts contain no links, and instead are just little two-sentence entries that offer a glimpse into the real life world of the InstaPundit. I'm sure it's a scarier place than either of these entries suggest.
Next we have a silly, frivolous link to some "hip" musician's site, followed by a link to a blogger with an "I'm a small guy" complex. Actually, I've seen this guy's blog before and I really don't feel like commenting on it anymore because compared to him James Caan is a bunny rabbit. Shivers.
Finally, (and I hope this is really "Finally") the Instapundit wraps up the evening with yet another link to Megan Galt McArdle Jane. And it's not just any link either. It's a link to a photograph of her. Dear god. While the InstaLady is away being neglected, he's linking to pictures of a female blogger! Go to bed, InstaPundit. Share your love with the one you love best for chrissakes.
Okay. That's it. Let it be known that not once did I pick up the phone and order a pizza during this entire Instapunditathon. Yes, I admit to chewing on inkjet paper, but that's not an official food product so I didn't break any rules.
I DID IT. Hooray for me. I want to thank everyone who was kind enough to read this entire thing today. And a special thanks goes out to the many who sent me supportive emails of encouragement. Your love and awe of me makes me feel loved and in awe of. As for David Blaine and my ex-girlfriend Beatrice, they can both suck eggs for all I care. I've reached a higher level than either one of them, and not just because I've taken more sleep aid medication than most people would take in their entire lives. No, I am a powerful blogger at the full height of his blogging skillz, and that is nothing either Blaine or Beatrice can take away from me.
I don't think.
See you tomorrow.
I love you all.
