You Went Ahead and Made Their Day...Way to go [Oct 13, 2003]

Christopher Monks here filling in for Neal while he travels the land promoting his book and CD. I hope everyone had a fun and inspiring Columbus Day. Mine was great until I saw the video footage of the Pope sneezing. Man, did that send chills up your spine or what? Shivers.

The National Rifle Association often sends chills up my spine as well. They recently released a list of people and organizations who they deem "unfriendly" to the pro-gun cause. It's a surprising tactic to say the least, as who would think the NRA would be ballsy enough to out its enemies? But I guess the days of the touchy-feely-happiness-is-a-warm-gun-N.R.A. are long gone. The new NRA is a proactive, gun-toting, kicking ass and naming names machine. I can't help but be intimidated and feel uncomfortably tingly by them.

Thankfully, though, I did not make the NRA's unfriendly list. Phew. I am not prepared to spend the next six months in my basement eating canned food and watching children's videos. For where else would I be able to hide? My basement isn't exactly the coziest place in the world either. Sure, I could turn the clothes dryer on to keep warm, but the lint screen can only do so much, and in no time I'd have lung disease. Plus, that concrete floor is chillier than Ted Williams. Anyway, it's not something I have to worry about; I am not seen as "unfriendly" to the NRA, thus I don't have to pull a Rushdie.

Others aren't so lucky. Marilu Henner, Vinny Testaverde, and Mary Lou Retton are no doubt busily buying canned goods and ham radios. And Britany Spears, Leonard Nimoy, and the Temptations are in all likelihood laying down extra-thick carpets and getting their clothes dryers maintained. I'd like to feel sorry for them, but hey: I wasn't the one who was unfriendly to the NRA. In fact, I go out of my way to be courteous and yes, friendly to them. I’m not much of a gun guy, but I know better than to mess with people who are. Whenever I'm driving along side a big scary pick-up truck with a "Charlton Heston is My President" sticker I'm like "Hey, man, the road is all yours. Don't bother using those silly turn signals, they're for peaceniks and nuns. Please feel free to cut me off at your whim. Just don't shoot me. Thanks!"

Still, one can't help but be surprised by all the famous names and organizations who have been targeted as "unfriendly" by the NRA. Here is a list of a few who made the cut along with reasons why the NRA says it doesn't like them:

Tara Lipinski - Former Olympic Figure Skater: "She can triple sow-cow like nobody's business, but when asked to do it holding an AK-47 at a gun show she gets cold feet. Wussy."

Louie Anderson - Comedian, : "Frequently mocks the NRA in his stand-up routine. Was the worst host ever of 'The Family Feud.'"

The Sara Lee Corporation: "People who make store-bought cakes have no right trying to take away our 2nd amendment rights. We don't care how deliciously moist their Coconut Layer Cake is--unless it comes with a free rifle we're not buying it."

Justin Timberlake - Singer: "Pretty boy music masking a pro-gun control message. He is really nothing but a poor man's Ted Nugent without a gun or a love for venison."

Howie Mandel - Actor: "Ever see him do that rip-roaring routine where he blows up a surgical glove over his face? It's bust a gut funny. Still, he is our enemy and we hate him like rats hate bunnies."

Ben & Jerry's Homemade, Inc: "What did guns ever do to desserts? First Sara Lee, now Ben and Jerry's. At least Ben and Jerry's makes an inferior food product; anyone can crap in a cup and call it ice cream."

Ann Landers - Columnist: "Dear Bleeding-heart Losers: stop listening to Landers. She's dead. And guess what: a gun didn't do it."

Wally Kurth - Actor: "We're not sure who Wally Kurth is, but his sissy boy name screams "Guns make me piss my pants!"

The YWCA of the USA: "Screw them and their peace-hugging policies. Where do women get off thinking they can have their own place to workout and take showers in anyway? Next thing you know they'll want to start hunting elk with us, too. Damn it!"

John Mayer – Singer: "We actually don’t know Mayer's stance on gun control, but we hate him anyway. We figured this was as good as opportunity as any to let the world know this.

Henry Winkler - Actor: "Oh, no, whatever will we do!?! The Fonz doesn't like us! Dear god, the Fonz doesn't like us!...Sit on it, Potsie."

Whitney Houston - Singer: "It actually comes as a relief that Whitney Houston is anti-gun. She scares us something fierce. Who knows what her and her coked-up husband would do with a gun if they had one?"

Hallmark Cards: "Where can I find the perfect card that says I think you're yellower than dog's urine on snow?"

Chaka Khan - Singer: "This one hurts us the most. We love Chaka Khan; she will always be our sweet thang."

Richard Dean Anderson - Actor: "MacGyver is not anti-gun. We repeat: there is no fucking way that MacGyver is anti-gun. No. Fucking. Way."

Anyway, best of luck to these people and organizations. If for some reason you are inspired by them, you can go here and join them on the enemies of the NRA list. Count me out, though. I may be a pansy, but I'm a cowardly-hates-living-in-my-basement-for-a-prolonged-period-of-time pansy. So there.

If you'd like to herald or heckle me for owning up to my pansy-ness, feel free to send me an email. No swear words please. If after that you're still looking for something to do, go visit my website, Utter Wonder. No obscene gestures please. Thanks and see you tomorrow.