Goodbye, Columbus? [Oct 12, 2003]

Hello, my name is Christopher Monks and I'll be here all week filling in for Neal while he sells his book and CD and illegal OxyContin prescriptions to a "recovering" Rush Limbaugh. I've guest-blogged for Neal before, and for those who remember me, thanks; it's nice to be remembered. It's actually kind of crazy how unremembered I often am. For instance, my neighbor's mean teenage sons never remember me when I tell them to keep the noise down from their rowdy backyard wrestling tournaments.

They're like "Sorry, Darren."

And I'm like "My name is not Darren."

And they're like "Whatever. Darren."

So I go "Look, I don't know who this Darren is, but he's not me."

And they go "Okay. Darren."

The conversation continues on in that fashion until I get flustered and leave or they punch me in my stomach. It's frustrating. You'd think they'd remember that I live next door and am the guy who comes over and complains about their noisy wrestling tournaments, but I guess I don't make that good of an impression. Sucks. Maybe I should wear a costume or something next time I go over there. You know, just to stand out. I bet if I went over there in a bear suit they'd never forget that. Of course if I was in a bear suit they wouldn't see my face. I'd have to put on a bear suit every time I had to complain about their noise just so they'd remember me. That's a lot of work. My bear suit doesn't really fit me that great anymore either. Chafes my thighs something fierce.

But that's not really important right now. What's important is that I'm here all week and will try to maintain the level of blogging excellence that Neal levels at you day in and day out. If you remember me from my past guest-blogging stint that's wicked awesome, but if you don't remember me, well, no big deal; I can deal with it. If you'd like to know more about me before you decide to devote any more of your precious blog reading time, you can go visit my site, read one of my stories, or look at a picture of a guy who has the same name as me, but is not me.

Good. Glad that's out of the way. I find introductions a bit awkward. I'm all about jumping right in, you know, setting my sails for the high seas right from the get go. Speaking of sails and high seas and genocide, it's Columbus Day! Happy Columbus Day! For some of you Columbus Day is a celebration of the great Italian explorer Christopher Columbus who discovered America way back in 1492. (wait; is that right? I always confuse the year the Pilgrims landed on Plimoth Rock and the year Columbus discovered America. Hmm. Let me Google it. Be right back...Yes, 1492 is right. Phew.) For others of you, Columbus Day is a much deserved day off from work. It allows you to relax, spend time with your family, and watch "The View" without having to take a sick-day.

Still, the holiday is not without its controversy. Many people believe that instead of celebrating Christopher Columbus, the day should honor the memory of those people who died at his hands: the indigenous people Columbus exploited and murdered on his way to discovering America. So rather than celebrating "Columbus Day" we should celebrate "Indigenous People's Day."

Um, sorry to be a pooh-pooher, but how much fun could a holiday like that be? I mean, how is anyone supposed to let loose and party-hardy while remembering all the people Columbus slaughtered? That's not exactly the type of thing that makes me want to tap a keg or rave the night away. When I want to party I need something fun to celebrate; honoring dead people doesn't really light my fire. I suppose anything is possible, but I'm really skeptical about this one. Let me try imagining what it would be like to be invited to an Indigenous People's Day Party to see if I could get psyched about it...

Indigenous People's Day Party Guy: "Dude, I'm going to a raging kegger! Want to come?"

Me: "Fire it up, baby! What's the occasion that calls for such a stokin' affair?"

Indigenous People's Day Party Guy: "We're honoring all the indigenous people who were raped and massacred by Christopher Columbus."

Me: "Oh...yeah, well, I think I'll pass."

Indigenous People's Day Party Guy: "Dude, what?!?"

Me: "I can't really see how that will be a fun time."

Indigenous People's Day Party Guy: "Whatever, dude. Be that way."

Me: "Thanks for inviting me, anyway."

Indigenous People's Day Party Guy: "I didn't invite you. I was just being polite. I wouldn't have let you come even if you said you wanted to."

Me: "That's mean."

Indigenous People's Day Party Guy: "I don't care. Darren."

Me: "My name is not Darren!"

You see what I mean? Hard to be excited about a party like that. No, I think we should keep Columbus Day as it is. The memory of millions of dead people is a serious downer. How's one supposed to get his or her groove on to that? I need heroes to celebrate on holidays, and what better hero to have than one who has the same first name as me. I mean, that's cool. So go out there and celebrate your Christopher Columbus Day asses off, people. You deserve it, Columbus' legacy deserves it, and I think deep down we all know that the innocent victims he pillaged and destroyed deserve it too. Rock on!