Wesley's Wacky War Waffle [Sep 22, 2003]

I, for one, am not going to get all frothy at the mouth about Wesley Clark's inconsistent positions on the Iraq War. My froth is saved for things that matter, such as the fact that Howard Dean mistakenly dubbed as "soliders" the subhuman child-rapers of Hamas. One might not think that meaningless semantics matter in an election season, but one could also say that nothing else matter, at all.

Nonetheless, Clark is an interesting study. Created by the Clintons late at night in a secret basement laboratory in the basement of their suburban New York home, he appears to be a perfect candidate on the surface, the final culmination of Bill and Hillary's disturbing and ruthless plan to control the world. Yet they appear to have forgotten to program him with any opinions. And he says things like "Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, and to a lesser extent, Egypt, those are the central fronts in the war on terror."

Excuse me? We all know that there are two, and only two, fronts in the War On Terror: Iraq and the Homeland. In the former, we're brilliantly fighting an ever-shifting, ever-expanding enemy by using our soldiers as bait. In the latter, we're subjecting ordinary citizens to humiliating searches and other assorted invasions of privacy while getting rid of certain silly distractions such as the right to an attorney or a fair trial. To try and deflect those noble battles onto modestly-flawed countries with which we're allied shows a distinct lack of patriotism.

It's important to blindly agree with the President even if you're running against him. As usual, the Democratic leadership has erected a straw monkey. He'll burn down soon enough. And then we'll tear that anti-Semite Howard Dean to shreds with our teeth.

Meanwhile, in an important development, The Washington Post Book World reviewed Never Mind The Pollacks yesterday. Allow the imprimatur of a fine newspaper to give you the courage to purchase your copy of the 70,108th most popular book in America.

My tour starts next week. Prepare yourselves for a shit-river of entertainment, flowing through your town soon. Damn, it's gonna be good!