The Boys On The Blog [Aug 18, 2003]

Democratic Presidential candidates have, too late for their shoddy campaigns, discovered the magical powers of the Internet. Following the lead of Howard Dean, they've all started blogs. As the first blogger to ever write a bloggone world in the blogosphere, believe me, I know about the seductions of blogdom. Bloggy blog blog blog. Blog.

But really. Who has time to read all the candidates' blogs? Besides me, that is. For the last 17 days, I've been monitoring their posts so I can present them to you in all their arcane glory. I think they really capture the anarchic spirit of the Internet, and also reflect the deeply limited potential of the candidates themselves. Here, let me show you.

JOHN KERRY, August 8--I took the bus to Springfield today because my best friend got tickets to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, who were supposed to open for the White Stripes until Jack hurt his finger. I was pretty pissed, because I think it would have been great to see The White Stripes and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs together. Really, I don't care that they've been on MTV a bunch of times. I still think they're cool. The guy on the bus next to me used to be a Marine and he started talking about some syndrome he had. He was really boring, so I took three Xanax and went to sleep.

RICHARD GEPHARDT, August 10--This temp job is starting to piss me off. If I'm supposed to do something with my life, isn't it about time I started? This morning, my cat woke me up by sitting on my head, and I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. Maybe I should go to grad school, but what would I study? Until this dark cloud lifts from my brain, I'm not going to be able to read anything anyway. Oh, god, my boss just came over and bitched me out. I shouldn't post while I'm at work. I haven't had sex in two years. Why don't people ever link to me?

DENNIS KUCHINICH, August 12--All hail the glorious worker's revolution! Soon the oppressed masses will throw off the shackles of capitalism! Join me, Studs Terkel, and the ghost of Norman Thomas as we lead the charge to liberate the White House from the monied class that has owned the people's property for too long! We cannot bend, comrades, we cannot stagger, as long as one man or woman is imprisoned by the profiteering of the Jews! Whoops! Strike that last sentence.

JOSEPH LIEBERMAN, August 13---Leading the party down the road to ruin, grumble grumble, old solutions to new problems, grump, grump, grump, goddammit, Chadassah, where'd you put my reading glasses? This will be the end of the Democratic Party as we know it, harrumph harrumph harrumph, don't you know who I am? I'm Joseph Lieberman! Attention must be paid!

JOHN EDWARDS, August 14--Word has it that they're going to bring the Hulk dogs back for the Hulk sequel, which is going to be a lot better than the first Hulk. And The Matrix: Revolutions is going to rule. I wonder if they'll develop the character of Treebeard a little better in The Return Of The King. I still can't decide if I liked Orlando Bloom better in Pirates or The Two Towers. Has anyone heard anything about the Ghost Rider movie?

HOWARD DEAN, August 15--My friends, we've done it together. We've raised nearly $55 million dollars, in 12-cent increments. As of this writing, every single American with an email address has given a little bit of money to the Dean campaign. We're building it from the ground up, using volunteers who were six or seven years old when Bill Clinton was elected for the first time. With their naive enthusiasm, and your money, we can keep turning a heady profit and beat the Republicans at their own game. But keep giving me money every day, because if you don't, I will, literally, wither and die.

So there you have it, readers, Howard Dean begs for money like a little Girl Scout, unlike me, who oozes masculinity when he begs. Please give to the Neal Pollack Invasion tour fund by clicking on the Donate button to your right. If you don't, I'll stop bringing you excerpts from the blogs of Democratic candidates. And that's a promise!

I really need to work on my pitch.