A Fair And Balanced Blackout Tale [Aug 15, 2003]

Friends, as you know, this website always strives to bring you the most fair and balanced news and opinion on the Internet. Sometimes that's hard, especially when certain major news organizations like Fox News try to beat you to the fair and balanced punch and sue a writer like Al Franken for using the phrase "Fair And Balanced" in the subtitle of his new book. At times like these, we feel we must stand up for the First Amendment, urging citizens of the Internet to use the phrase "Fair And Balanced" in creative ways on their websites so we can tell Fox News to fuck off.

Well, I was all ready to prepare my Fair And Balanced post for today. I was in New York yesterday for meetings with my publisher, agent, other publisher, and other agent. At 4:00, my manicure came to its conclusion. I hung around talking for a bit and then had a brief make-out session with one of the hairwashers. I got onto the elevator, thinking all the while of the clever Fair And Balanced post I was going to type up when I returned to the Soho House.

On the elevator was a man, middle-aged, balding, in a decent suit. He was facing away from the door, so I couldn't see his face. He was thrusting away rhythmically. Obviously, a public masturbator.

The elevator went down one floor, and then the power went out.

"Oh, no!" said the man, immediately. "This is definitely a terrorist attack. Or it at least should serve as a warning that we need to step up security around our power plants."

"Yeah," I said.

He began to mumble.

"It's the immigrants," he said. "They're sucking away all our electrical power. This would never have happened if they weren't here."

"Huh?" I said.

"And the lesbians with their electric dildos."

The man began to weep.

"I'm just trying to be fair and balanced," he said. "But America isn't what they promised me, a long, long time ago. Where did all the power go?"

This man was obviously wounded. The blackout had opened up those wounds wide. I knew what it meant to feel a wound. I knew what it meant to be a martyr to the truth.

I held him.

"There, there, my friend," I said. "Let's make sweet love here on this elevator and forget about this blackout and all the liberals who want to destroy the American way of life."

For four hours, this man and I held each other and wept, for our souls, for our country's soul, for Fairness, for Balance. It was a profound tale of love in blackout, which I will attempt to sell to Salon before anyone else sells theirs. Did this man and I make love? Is that for anyone to really know? We fell in love, for sure, briefly but certainly. For that time, an eternity in the hot dark, we came to know each other as two men rarely have.

The lights came on at 8:30 PM. I beheld the face of my lover. He was sweaty and pallid and obviously not happy with what had just gone down.

"Eww," I said. "Bill O'Reilly!"

"You tell anyone about this," he said. "I'll sue you. That's my fair and balanced promise."

"Don't worry," I said. "I wouldn't dream of telling anyone that Bill O'Reilly is a premature ejaculator who goes into rapture when you whisper the words 'fluffy bunny' into his ear."

"You'd better not," he said.

I said, "Bill, you have my Fair And Balanced word."

Tah-dah!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! And so I welcome you to Fair And Balanced day on the Internet. Already, I've received dozens of emails from a coalition of willing bloggers from around the world who stand in solidarity against censorship. And there are so many more of you out there. I can sense it! Today is our day and Fox News and its lawyers can take a flying leap. We win! Congratulations, and thanks so much for all who participated. Without your wit and imagination, this day would be worthless.

Now, if you admire the work that goes on here, and if you believe in one political satirist's dream of touring the country with his rock band, then please click on the Donate button in the right-hand column. Give what you can, or what you feel is right. We're heading your way this fall, if you live east of Texas, that is. Your donation will be greatly appreciated by hungry musicians, the most worthy cause of all.

Thanks again for all your help and support this week. I'll be back Monday with more sexed-up all-American red-hot blog action!