The Road To Sacramento [Aug 5, 2003]

Today's post must be brief, because my campaign for the California governor's mansion is going full-bore. I had my necessary 65 signatures before I left baggage claim at LAX. But someone pointed out that of those 65, only 17 were actually California residents. That's what you get for campaigning at the airport. No matter. I picked up another dozen signatures at a 7-11, plus 20 during my annual lunch at The Friar's Club, and the rest at Amoeba Records, where I went to buy several screamcore albums for my clone baby Peggy, who's really into screamcore these days.

Of course, there's still the matter of the $3500 I need to raise. Right now, I'm short about $3490. Please scroll down the page and Donate if you want me to become governor of the state of California. Do you really want Larry Flynt to win? Or Arnold Schwarzenegger? No? And you say you don't want me to win, either? Well, fine. run for governor yourself, then! See if I care. I will crush all comers.

I already have the support of a receptionist at the Creative Artists' Agency, a security guard at the Warner Brothers lot, a Traci Lords lookalike, Vin Scully, and former head of the Olympics Peter Uberroth. It's more than a start. I've got L.A. by the balls, and I'll start campaigning across the rest of the state as soon as the mechanic is done with my rental car.

Nixon. Reagan. Brown. Pollack. I can't wait to move into that governor's mansion. I'm gonna build a grotto!