The Missing Link [Aug 4, 2003]

An odd covergence in the news has occurred. There are only a few days like this every year, and it's up to bloggers to create the perspective necessary to ruin certain careers and puff up others. So, exhausted, drained, saddened, even a little pussy-whipped, I reluctantly put fingers to keyboard and begin.

I've always said, on this site, that the Episcopal church should never accuse any nominee for bishophood of "touching a man inappropriately" or of being involved with a website that contained a link to pornography. That's why the current scandal involving the first potential gay Episcopal bishop has wounded me so. As a lifelong Episcopalian, albeit a Jewish one, I would be proud to have a gay man feed me the body of Christ on a daily basis. Also, I enjoy touching men from time to time and believe heavily in Internet pornography, particularly as it concerns the centuries-old Episcopal practice of teabagging. So all I can say is that if I had a vote, Reverend Gene Robinson would be at the altar tomorrow.

On the other hand, what's appropriate for a gay Episcopal bishop is completely abhorrent in a Democratic Presidential candidate. It's beyond me why the three major newsmagazines have chosen to put Howard Dean on their covers this week. Dean, who I've repeatedly referred to on this site as "the horned one," will destroy the Democratic Party, not such a bad thing, really, but he also very well may bring about the apocalypse, paving the road to his true home with good intentions. Anyone who professes the extreme liberal agenda of a balanced budget, a reasoned critique of reckless foreign policy choices and affordable health care for children is obviously a dangerous demagogue who must be stopped.

Plus, Dean links to porn on his own website. What makes it worse is that he actually operates these porn sites for his personal profit. I like Hot Asian Sluts Penetrated By Dildos as much as the next guy, but I don't really think a Presidential candidate, at least a serious one, should be sponsoring a site for that particular fetish. And while my friend The Reverse Cowgirl may be amused by the pictures at Howard Dean's Midnight Bukkake Party, I can think of 100,000 voters in Iowa who might be looking for slightly cleaner activities on caucus day. Howard Dean is not the George McGovern of our time. He's the John Holmes of our time. Soon, he'll be pimping himself out for drug dealers in Hollywood. A man like that should not be President, and, with the generous financial help of several wealthy conservative benefactors, I will personally see to it that he falls.

Posting hours will be irregular for the rest of the week. I'll be in California, trying to round up 65 signatures and $3500 so I can run for governor. I figure my position as The Greatest Living American Writer, coupled with the fact that I've served as governor of both New York and Rhode Island, might help me to carry the day. If you wish to Donate the campaign, plese click on the button to your right. All leftover monies will go toward funding The Neal Pollack Invasion's fall tour. Give until it hurts, my friends. I'm begging you.

To close, I urge you to check out this site, which I believe is the homepage for the Episcopal Church. Enjoy.