My Imperial Ambitions [Aug 3, 2003]

The title of the day's post doesn't refer to the Bush administration's recent reference to Iraq as the "linchpin" in its strategy to transform the Middle East. No. It doesn't refer to that, though I believe that transforming the Middle East is the only way to truly transform it, much as we transformed Germany, Japan, Vietnam, Nicaragua, the Phillipines, Grenada, Panama, Laos, Cambodia, Chile, and many other countries that needed transforming. There's no difference between today's war and other wars that we've fought in the past, because we're always right, and soon our superior values will spread, establishing their ultimate and true dominion over planet Earth.

But really, that's not what I wanted to talk about today. Instead, I would like to announce the dates for the 2003 Neal Pollack Invasion tour! Long awaited by dozens, here they are!

Let me explain this tour. My band, The Neal Pollack Invasion, will soon get into a van in Austin, Texas, and begin driving east. In certain cities, I'll do a bookstore reading and a rock show at a separate venue will follow. In other cities, the reading and rock show will be combined. I'm gonna fuck shit up!

The tour dates that you just looked at aren't yet complete. We still have to close the deal with a few clubs, and we still have to add a few Midwest dates on the back end of the tour. If those of you in the west feel slighted, don't feel slighted. The Invasion will be coming your way next spring. For now, though, we focus on invading the south and the east and the midwest.

The Neal Pollack Invasion will be touring to support Never Mind The Pollacks, the greatest novel in the history of the world. Buy an advance copy, if you like. Right now it stands at 1,246,727 on Amazon, which simply isn't acceptable for a writer of my reputation. Did I mention that there's also going to be an album, put out by The Telegraph Company of Brooklyn, New York? Read the first review of the album.

Please examine the tour schedule carefully, because I'm coming for you, literally. Also please keep in mind that touring is arduous, and that my musicians, including the deeply talented Jim Roll, are expensive to maintain. Please give a little bit to the tour fund by clicking on the Donate button to your right. I have so much to bring you, my friends. You decide how much it's worth for you to be a disciple of the world's leading-edge political thinker with a touring rock band. Give a little back.

Goddamn it, we're going to have so much fun! Like Dick Cheney said last week, Iraq is going to stand as an "example to the entire Middle East." That's for darn sure. And meanwhile, The Neal Pollack Invasion is going to stand as an example for, well, something. Did I mention that we're going to have so much fun?

Come see us play. You will have an orgasm. That's my personal guarantee.