Bet You Can't Bomb Just One [Jul 29, 2003]

Because of alarmist rhetoric from certain Democrats, and equally alarmist rhetoric from certain Republicans whose patriotism I question, the Pentagon has been forced to scrap a program that would have allowed traders to make money off a futures market that predicted acts of terror.

When I heard this program announced yesterday, and when I helped design it nine months ago, I thought that the Policy Analysis Market was the most extraordinary plan ever devised. Based on sound economic models, a brilliant cabal of thinkers had finally figured out a way to alter the tea leaves of history. What the ninny wimp detractors in the Senate don't realize, because they didn't read the fine print, was that the predictions would have been used not only to make money, but also to stop the terror attacks from ever occuring. How, you ask? By using the profits to develop a time-travel device.

For two years now, the United States government has been developing elite anti-terror warriors, trained to travel through time to keep Middle Eastern history from going awry. These warriors, accompanied by an orphan boy who will slip into the time vortex at the last possible second, will make history right, no matter what it takes. But as usual, there's no money. Hence, futures.

Does the world expect us to keep it safe if we can't come up with creative ways to fund our time-travel experiments? The hard work of the secret society that runs DARPA is getting frustrated. And you know what happens when economists get frustrated? That's right. They go insane and develop atavistic robots with a taste for blood. We should think of that before we stop people from betting on the likelihood of a terrorist attack.

Speaking of time travel, I wish I could go back in time to last weekend so I could inject a special serum into Bob Hope to keep him alive for another 100 years. I miss Bob Hope already. He was the consummate entertainer, and a great patron of golf. He kept American laughing through some pretty easy decades, and trivialized an unpopular war in Southeast Asia by subjecting thousands of stoned troops to a bad travelling vaudeville show. I just want to say, Bob, thanks for the memories. How did that song go? Thanks for the memories/Until we meet again.../Thanks for the memories/You blew me on the Seine...

I also wish I could go back in time and stop Howard Dean from declaring his Presidential candidacy. The Democratic Leadership Council is right. How dare Dr. Dean attempt drag the party to the left by criticizing the President and declaring the need to adopt modest health-insurance reforms? Is the man insane? Or is he just crazy? I've said it before and I will say it again: The Democrats should disband, just as the Bull Moose Party and the Whigs did before them. I'd buy 1,000 shares in that future.

Speaking of futures, I noticed that my recent plea to invest in the future of The Neal Pollack Invasion world tour 2003 fell on deaf ears, or no ears at all. Please donate to your right, people, where you see the Donate button. I beg you. The band must tour. If you're giving your money to Howard Dean instead, don't. The man doesn't have a chance. I, on the other hand, always have my eye on the big chance. Thanks for the memories in advance.