There Are People Dying, And It's Time To Lend A Hand [Jul 14, 2003]

Yesterday, the President of The United States said the faulty intelligence that led him to illegally invade and occupy a sovereign nation was "darn good." Don't you think I realize that? But YOU must realize that my balls are still reeling from my longest vacation in years. Duty implores me to spend at least one more day keeping you informed about important developments that developed while I was away.

As you all know by now, President Bush recently returned from a heroic trip to Africa, a continent not visited by any President since Bill Clinton. In addition to making some rote and cynical remarks about the evils of slavery and being taken on Botswanan safari, Bush spent much of his trip touting his plan to fight the scourge of AIDS on the Dark Continent.

Back home before he left, President Bush nominated Randall Tobias, the former CEO of pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly, as his Global AIDS Czar, which would give Tobias charge of Bush's $15 billion program to fight AIDS in Africa. Immediately, the usual suspects in the highly-corrupt global public health world began to criticize our Leader, who was appointed by the Star Creator to help us defeat terrorism and godlessness. They charged, with no evidence other than the fact that Tobias has no experience with AIDS policy or with Africa, that Bush is essentially giving a $15-billion kickback to Big Pharma and denying African AIDS patients the inexpensive generic drugs that they desperately need.

These attacks on Big Pharma sicken me. For many years, several major pharmaceutical companies paid me good money to shill for them in the mainstream press. And I did it gladly, not because I was in their employ, but because I believed in their product. In particular, I believed in Minty-Fresh Testostogrease, which made my chest hair thick as wool, and my cock as long as a horse's. How can you not buy into a program that makes you fuck like a king?

I believe completely in Randall Tobias, friend of Big Pharma and the Republican Party. There's no doubt that he'll faithfully excute Bush's AIDS budget, one-third of which goes toward abstinence education for godless savages. Africans will need to be abstinent, too, because many countries in Africa face a severe condom shortage. Without a doubt, funnelling money to for-profit drug companies is the best solution to one of the world's most intractable problems. But if you continue to want to argue with me on this topic, go visit this website. Hang out with your fellow travellers and leave those of us who love Big Pharma to take our Prozac in peace.

Speaking of kickbacks to deserving causes, please look to your right and click on the Donate button. The Neal Pollack Invasion, my band, tours this fall to 17 cities in glorious celebration of my new novel and rock album Never Mind The Pollacks. I promise to entertain and enlighten at every stop, no matter what, but we're a five-man band and we have many unmet expenses. If you believe in this site, and in my writing, and in all that I represent, please take a moment to donate what you can. If everyone who reads this site tomorrow gives $2, the pleas will stop, possibly for good. And we'll be out of Liberia quicker than you can say "save me, Blue Helmet!"

Now, back to fighting AIDS by giving the world's poorest people lmiited access to very expensive drugs but plenty of ignorant Bible-thumping anti-sex propaganda. It's a darn good plan, if you ask me.