Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover. [Jul 10, 2003]

Well, my temporarily adopted cousins, my time here has just about run out. Come Monday, Neal will be sitting back in the blog throne upon which I, Matthew Tobey, currently rest, and I'll be traveling back to my proper blog home, The City of Floating Blogs, as well as my original web den, Haypenny.

My only hope is that, throughout these two weeks together, I've somehow opened your eyes, jostled your mind and/or jiggled your soul. If I've done that, it's all been worth it.

Before I go, I realize there are still many unanswered queries about the frightening inner-workings of the world we live in. So, I will do my best to leave you with some answers. Don't read this in the dark.

Dozens of hundreds of you have emailed me asking what the President is really doing in Africa. That's a very good question. After all, African nations are poor and have no diplomatic or military clout. What could the President possibly have to gain from visiting all of those dead people? The answer is spine-tinglingly simple.

All along, George W. Bush has touted two big motives for his trip. First, he is supposedly there to "explore" the AIDS epidemic that is killing millions of people. Second, he wants to discuss fuel alternatives to OPEC. Put them together, and you've got the President's real purpose for touring the Dark Continent: Soylent Gasoline!

In addition, many of you have contacted me regarding the whereabouts of Vice President Cheney lately. It's almost as if the fellow fell completely off the face of the earth. In fact, as much as the White House wants to hide it from you, Mr. Cheney passed away last Wednesday. He had just settled in for his evening heart attack, when he mistook a bottle of cyanide for a glass of water and shot himself. He was 37 years old.

Finally, if I had a nickel for every email I've received asking whatever happened to Afghanistan, I’d build a big house completely out of dimes. With our focus switching to military operations in Iraq and Denmark, who has time to even say Afghanistan, let alone think about its stabilization and well being? I do, that’s who.

Thanks to corporate sponsorship and American aid, Amazon.com Presents Motorolaghanistan is now a terror-free, first world nation filled with bustling business centers and imported Western entertainment. Roseanne even lives there now!

There were dozens of other questions too, but time and space is limited. Luckily, many people also asked me where Roseanne lives now, so the last one killed two questions with one answer.

Be sure to email Neal, thanking him for letting us spend some time together again. And, of course, don’t forget to visit Haypenny and The City of Floating Blogs every weekday, and email me until the cows come home. So long.