Uranium? It nearly wrecked him! [Jul 10, 2003]

Hello again, dear people. Can you believe that today is already my ninth day of guest-blogging? Why, it seems like just yesterday that I, Matthew Tobey, was dishing out truth-laden tidbits, so kidney-blowing they could kill a very large man, but so shiny and tantalizing, even Barry White couldn't resist.

Well, even though I'll only be with you one more day after this one, I plan on stabbing you in your mind's eye a few more times before I go.

As you've all heard many times now, the United States is in a giant jar of piping hot criticism, because the President stretched a nonexistent truth.

In order to gain support for the then-planned demolition and liberation of Iraq, George W. Bush told the world that there was evidence that Saddam Hussein had attempted to purchase some uranium from Niger. But, as it turns out the information was faulty. If I remember it correctly, the actual intelligence said, "Saddam Hussein was tempted to tongue-kiss the perineum of Nigel."

Obviously, while it casts a pretty rainbow over whoever this Nigel fellow is, this news casts a dark shadow over the military efforts in Iraq. It's a shame too. It seemed like a really fun war up until the lying was exposed. Unfortunately, this revelation is just the beginning.

Always ahead of the mainstream press, I have been able to uncover some more of the Bush Administration's pre-war claims that are just days away from being debunked. You might want to sit down before you read these. If you're already sitting, lay down.

January 29, 2003
At a joint press-conference with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, President Bush told reporters that "these credit card receipts in Saddam Hussein's name from Estelle Getty's 24-Hour Chemical and Biological Weapons Emporium offer indisputable proof that this ravenous madman is in possession of deadly agents."

Unfortunately for the President, the former Golden Girls star recently admitted to me over the phone that her place of business is actually a simple San Francisco head shop.

February 7, 2003
Before a group of journalists gathered in the White House rose garden, the Commander in Chief claimed that "undercover operatives in the Middle East have assured me that Saddam must be a weapons-maker, because his daughter is totally the bomb."

Once again, this evidence proved false, as a high-ranking CIA official told me via instant message that Saddam's daughter "has an okay face, but isn't all that."

February 18, 2003
Speaking to the United Nations, Secretary of State Colin Powell reported that "with intelligence gathered from a captured Al Qeada agent, we now have conclusive proof of a link between the Iraqi government and the international terrorist organization."

According to the telegram I received today, this flub will likely prove to be the most embarrassing of them all. The so-called Al Qaeda agent has turned out to be an "unbelievably lifelike" coat rack in a government interrogation room. The CIA is now rethinking their "if there's a link between Iraq and Al Qaeda, don't say anything" method of interviewing captives.

Neal will be back soon. You'd better donate to his tour fund and preorder Never Mind the Pollacks.

Before Monday comes, and I'm out on my ear, why not get into the habit of reading Haypenny and The City of Floating Blogs everyday now?

Join the millions who've already emailed me.