Hey, Gray Davis! How Many Shitty Movies Have You Been In? [Jul 8, 2003]

As yesterday's heaping helping of the truth likely left you feeling punched in the face and divorced, today I, Matthew Tobey, bring you some lighter subject matter from the glistening world of entertainment.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, who yearns to be President of California, recently opened his mouth and let the pure and heartfelt patriotism pour on out while visiting the troops and promoting Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines in Iraq.

"I play terminator, but you guys are the true terminators," Schwarzenegger said at least thirty times, as he shook hands with dozens of the brave men and women in uniform.

In a speech to the soldiers after a screening of the new film, Scwarzenegger told them, "When it comes to Saddam, you people are the real Erasers. If you Commandos weren't here, it'd be the End of Days. Thanks to you, that Predator is a Running Man. You can practically hear him Jingle All the Way as he and his Twins flee the country. But most importantly, Kindergarten Cop, Conan the Barbarian, True Lies, Last Action Hero, Junior and Total Recall. Know what I mean?"

Following Schwarzenegger's lead, Nicolas Cage visited troops in Afghanistan, where he entertained them with his recently perfected tumbling and ventriloquism act. After the performance, Cage said, "God bless you all. I hope you'll all soon be Leaving Las Vegas. And by 'Las Vegas,' I mean Afghanistan. And by 'Afghanistan,' I mean 'go see Matchstick Men, opening September 13 in theaters everywhere.' And by 'everywhere' I'm mostly referring to the United States and definitely nowhere in Afghanistan."

Not to be outdone, Jean-Claude Van Damme met Carl Weathers in a Denny's bathroom, where he paid paid the Action Jackson star fifty dollars to let him give him oral sex.

There you have it. All of Hollywood is lining up to do their part in the justifiably endless war on terror.

Now go see what's cooking at Haypenny and The City of Floating Blogs.

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