Helen & Me [Jul 7, 2003]

Hello again, readers. I have to admit, I'm not a bit surprised that you've stopped by The Neal Pollack Invasion today. If you mention mud baths and Helen Thomas in the same sentence, people pay attention.

"Come on, Matthew Tobey of Haypenny and The City of Floating Blogs! We've been waiting twenty-four hours for you to dish the steamy details of your moonlit evening with the grand dame of the White House Press Corps. Either cut to the chase or link to some .mpegs of monkeys getting hit in the sweets," the world is telepathically shouting to me in gleeful anticipation.

As you read yesterday, while Lady Thomas and I exfoliated each other's hardest to reach places, H-To reminded me of several things President Bush has said recently that make "bring them on" look like "may I milk your ferret?"

For example, have we all forgotten about the press conference following this year's Academy Awards at which an audacious George W. Bush brazenly said, "I'm afraid, I didn't see The Pianist. I would have, but I don't like science fiction. By that I mean that the German Holocaust of World-War-Two did not happen. You can quote me on that too. In fact, if you don't quote me on it, I'm going to keep saying it until you do. I'll answer every question posed to me with 'the Holocaust never happened,' whether I'm asked about farm subsidies or affirmative action?"

Or did we all suddenly contract amnesia the day after the Signs DVD release party, when the Commander in Chief was quoted as saying, "I thought Signs was a fine movie. I love documentaries. By that I mean that space aliens have attacked our planet. Make no mistake, the aliens are here, and they are a legitimate threat to every man, woman and child in this great nation. In addition, anyone who denies the fact that Mel Gibson is the father of Rory Culkin and the widowed brother in-law of Joaquin Phoenix will be declared an enemy combatant and subject to a closed-door military tribunal?"

Or maybe the entire country just chose not to remember last weekend, when after a private advanced screening of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, your President announced, "I hated T3. But then again, I hate all musicals. By that I mean that the Klan has always had some good ideas, they just can't get organized. My point is this: If T3 is the number-one film in its opening weekend, I'll see to it that Buddy Ebsen is hunted down and assassinated."

Long story short, there's nothing like an oversized tub of mud and a classy, classy lady.

Isn't it time for you to donate to Neal's tour fund using the donate button on the right? Isn't it also time to preorder Never Mind the Pollacks? Isn't it even alsoer time for you to catch up on Haypenny and The City of Floating Blogs?

After today, I'm only going to ask you to email me three more times.