Bring It On 2: Iraqtric Boogaloo [Jul 7, 2003]

If you’re anything like me, Matthew Tobey of Haypenny and The City of Floating Blogs, then you’re about halfway done healing after having been on the wrong end of a dangerous, though admittedly riotous, prank involving a bratwurst bun and three-dozen bottle rockets. Sometimes patriotism hurts.

While resting in the burn ward of the secret smart-person hospital that I go to, I had a lot of time to watch a lot of cable news. What did I learn? It seems that the nation has gotten itself in a tizzy over something our President said last week.

When asked about a threatening band of mettlesome Saddam loyalists and the possibility of these yahoos attacking US soldiers in Iraq, President Bush, with that cocksure swagger he inherited from his mother, replied, “bring them on.”

I honestly don’t know what all of the ensuing hoopla-esque fuss and ruckus-like to-do is about though. After all, the President would never invite blood-lusting enemy combatants to strike upon a US military that is already under heavy fire. Anyone who takes five seconds to think about the statement while ignoring the fact that the Commander in Chief is borderline legally retarded will come to the obvious conclusion that Dr. Bush was trying to divert the bad guys by coaxing them into attacking him at the White House.

You see, when Rev. Bush takes his three-month holidays in Kennebunkport, he isn’t holed up in the dank basement of his cottage, masturbating the days away to TiVoed MASH reruns. No sir, for eighteen hours each day, President Bush, along with National Security Advisor Rice and Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, receives intense martial arts and non-mechanical weapons training from a team that includes, but is not limited to, Jet Li, Billy Blanks, Jay Kordich and the ghost of Nell Carter.

“Did you just say the President is nearly retarded?” you’re asking as if your ears and brain shut off once I started to say anything of any gravity.

Yes, that’s what I said. But don’t you dare judge. His gusto has an IQ of at least 106. Furthermore, don’t forget that Harry S. Truman served his last two years in office with a baboon’s heart where his brain had once been.

The point is, George W. Bush is a warrior, a headstrong one-man army of a manimal who once slaughtered an entire armed battalion with his bare feet in the top-secret and oft-rumored Finnish-American war of 1989. When he says, “bring them on,” you can bet dollars to acorns that he means it in the most honorable, just and patriotic way. Why else would he have the phrase tattooed in a different dead language on each of his limbs?

I suppose I’m most puzzled by the fact that this is the comment that has mashed the public’s potatoes so much. Perhaps you need to be reminded of some of the other potent quotables uttered by Maj. Gen. Bush. I know I needed to be. Lucky for both of us, I recently had the pleasure of sharing a memory-jogging mud bath with the ageless and vivacious Helen Thomas. Tune in tomorrow for the good stuff.

While you’re waiting for tomorrow to be here, you can always sift through the endless archives of Haypenny or the endful archives of The City of Floating Blogs. Read them until your eyes bleed. Then email the ever-loving dickens out of me.