Here Come the Judge(s) [Jul 3, 2003]

Hello again. I'm delighted that you've been able to find some time between your precious barbecues and firecrackers to spend with me, Matthew Tobey, as I embark on my fifth day of guest-blogging.

It's been quite a week, hasn't it? Lucky for you, even after you've finished reading today's entry, my time with you will only be half over. Imagine the wondrous things that are yet to blossom. When you're done imagining, skip to the next paragraph.

Welcome to paragraph number three. As you well know there's been much commotion, emotion and just plain motion surrounding the Supreme Court lately. The clatter created by the upholding of affirmative action coupled with the groundbreaking ass-blasting the Justices dealt the nation's sodomy laws has made most of us completely deaf to anything else emitting from the hallowed hollow halls of the highest court in the land. Once again, I am here to fill in the blanks of the world. Today I present you just a few of the thought-splattering decisions that you didn't hear Nina Totenberg reenact. 

Be warned: reading these just might cause your mind to eat your brain.

Tuesday, June 17: 
Following an impassioned argument by Justice Kennedy, in which he explained, "There are two types of people in this world, and that is why I never learned to read," the nine judges voted unanimously to uphold a lower-court decision outlawing the display of the seven deadly sins in public buildings.

Wednesday, June 25:
In a seven-to-two decision, the court ruled that the porcupine industry should not be held liable for the illness and death incurred by porcupine users. Said Justice Scalia, "Yes, the taste and aroma are every bit as magnificent as the quills are razor-sharp, but I can't help but feel that if people didn't expect to be compensated in the event they find themselves sick or dead, they might think twice before deciding to smoke porcupines."

Friday, June 27:
In a photo-finish ruling, the Justices voted five-to-four in favor of a person's right to eat pastrami and oatmeal sandwiches on a bustling city street while covered in electrical tape and declaring to every passing stranger, "I am the lord of pastrami and oatmeal sandwiches and electrical tape! For the price of three cups of coffee, you can be my disciple!" Chief Justice Rehnquist had this to say: "An America in which a person does not have the right to eat pastrami and oatmeal sandwiches on a bustling city street while covered in electrical tape and declaring to every passing stranger, 'I am the lord of pastrami and oatmeal sandwiches and electrical tape! For the price of three cups of coffee, you can be my disciple!' is not an America that I want to live in. Those are not my words. Those are the words of Benjamin Franklin, in a 1776 email to Eleanor Roosevelt."

I hope these revelations aren't so shocking that you can no longer enjoy the rest of the holiday. Unfortunately, the truth never takes a day off.

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