Behind the Smokescreen of Terror [Jul 2, 2003]

You can stop holding your breath now, my electronic friends. It is I, Matthew Tobey, and I have returned for yet another hot and creamy session of truth-stuffed blogging.

For several days now, I've filled your brains and pumped your hearts with the grim probabilities that the future of our government holds. Today, I invited you to remain in this time machine of ours, as I kick things into reverse and together we explore some forgotten elements of the past.

For nearly two years our nation has been completely and unfalteringly fixated on the security of our homeland and the destruction of the Middle East. We practically eat, sleep, drink, drive and snort the War on Terror. All the while, the things that were important to us prior to this terrorism brouhaha have conveniently slipped through the cracks, shimmied down our brain tubes and walked scot-free right out of our collective consciousness...until now!

Most of these topics have been voluntarily collecting dust, in hopes that the conglomerate of buffoonery known as the mainstream media would continue to overlook them. Lucky for you, they are forgotten no more, as I've delved back in and come up with the latest dirt on the things that concerned us back when terrorism was still funny.

Gary Condit:
Remember Gary Condit? He hopes you don't. Contrary to what Condit wishes, the attacks on New York, Washington and Pennsylvania and the recent war in Iraq did not bring what's-her-name back to life. She's still just as murdered by Gary Condit as she was on September 10, 2001. Furthermore, with a blind media eye turned to the bloodthirsty Senator, he's been on a rampage, slaughtering anyone and anything that gets in his way and in the way of his razor-sharp machete. Why just recently, Condit slipped a fatal dose of old age into the porridge of his arch-nemesis, Gregory Peck.

If you come into contact with Gary Condit, do not look at his face. His cheeks are hypnotic and can force you to do his or their bidding.

Sharks:
Before terror reared his or her ugly head and coaxed us into declaring war on him or her, sharks were eating humans at the alarming rate of 800 per day. Many blamed Wal-Mart for their cost-cutting decision to manufacture bathing suits made of 100% chum, while others pointed a crooked old finger at violence on television as the culprit. Whatever the reason, sharks were eating people, until one day they weren't.

So, what happened to all of those sharks?

For a while, it seemed as if the sharks had finally put an end to their people-eating ways. But it now appears that they were simply lying in wait. After quietly planning for over a year, the sharks struck without warning early this week, devouring the inimitable Katharine Hepburn, as she whittled on her porch.

The 2000 Presidential Election:
Not since Clinton/Dole had a presidential election lead to such a circus of controversy. Just when it seemed the 2000 Presidential Election would never stop, along came the event that actress Leelee Sobieski poetically referred to as Bang, Scary, Crash, Zoom. Sadly, even the 2000 Presidential Election took advantage of the frenzy surrounding the military finagling in Afghanistan and Iraq. While the various cable news outlets and major newspapers have been occupying themselves with trivialities like weapons of mass destruction, the 2000 Presidential Election has been busy murdering Robert Stack, Hume Cronyn, Strom Thurmond and the upcoming Kirk Douglas.

There you have it. If there's one thing that I've proven here, it's that dead celebrities are always murdered by high-profile culprits. If there's a second thing that I've proven, it's that Leelee Sobieski is this generation's Dorothy Parker.

You should read some Haypenny. Then you should take a look at my blog and let me know if it looks infected.

I dare you to email me.