A Succession Suck Session [Jul 2, 2003]

When last I left you, I’d whet your appetite for truth with a shiv to the psyche about Paris Hilton being nineteenth in the line of US Presidential succession. Today, I, Matthew Tobey, editor of Haypenny and proprietor of The City of Floating Blogs, bring you an even grittier look at the harsh hypothetical realities that await us in the wake of a probable DC-area terrorist attack involving the placement of small-pox on Tom Ridge’s hookah pipe. After all, the third Saturday of every month is Hookah Pipe & My So-Called Life Night at Ridge’s house, an event neither the President nor his eighteen successors ever misses. One moment Jordan Catalano seems like he might be a good guy after all, the next a President and a dozen-and-a-half would-be Presidents are lying motionless, the scent of dried fruit, tobacco and small-pox still lingering on their breathless lips.

And just like that, Paris Hilton is our new Commander in Chief. But what could we expect from a Hilton administration?

For starters, we can all look forward to a strong push for a constitutional amendment banning partial births. Hilton has long been a proponent for children completely leaving the womb and birth canal at the end of the gestation period. Despite the fact that she’ll be under a lot of pressure to bridge the gap between her Pro-Birth brethren and those in favor of ensuring a woman’s right to choose whether to give birth, to partially give birth or to raise the child through adulthood in the womb, this is an issue she’s not afraid to lose some popularity points over.

“I guess that doesn’t seem so bad,” you’re saying with a sigh of relief. “At the very least it doesn’t make any sense.”

Buddy Hackett used to take comfort in the fact that things didn’t make sense. I don’t think I need to remind you how things turned out for him.

But the real horror lies not in the Hilton Presidency, but in the Hilton Assassination. All it would take is some operative who is as clever as he or she is maniacal to swap Hilton’s tube of gonorrhea ointment with a suicide bomber. If this can be done before young Paris is sworn into office, then we’ll be stuck with the twentieth person in the line of succession: widower Scott Peterson.

“Oh, but I like him. He’s so affable.” Your feeble mind is instructing your gullible mouth to say.

Looks can be deceiving. Beneath President Peterson’s cuddly exterior and squeaky-clean public image is a draconian dictator just waiting to be unleashed on an unsuspecting American public that is still mourning the deaths of several politicians and one very loose heiress.

Pray for President Bush’s safety and for the safety of his cabinet. Pray for Neal Pollack’s tour fund to grow. Make that prayer come true by using the donation tool on the right side of the screen. Most of all though, pray that this bit doesn’t get stretched too much farther.