The Longest Six Months of Your Life Are Over [Jun 29, 2003]

Good people, to those of you who didn't lose hope and commit suicide in the six months since my last guest-blogging stint, your patience and/or medication has paid off in spades. For I, Matthew Tobey, have triumphantly returned. 

Am I still the top half of Meg White in the White Stripes that is the editorial staff at Haypenny.com? Yes! Did I recently start my own blog called The City of Floating Blogs after methadone and Catholicism both failed to make my violent blog-withdrawal subside? You'd better believe it. How long can Ashton and Demi possibly last? Until the last star in the sky burns out in history's most brilliant supernova.

"Well, handsome, what've you got in store for me over the next two weeks?" you're asking, wiping away tears of joy and blood of jealousy in response to the magnificence that is the Moore/Kutcher brand of true love.

Sadly, I can't promise much. Being that not much has happened since January, I've certainly got my work cut out for me to find things in the world that are worth examining. I had prepared an in-depth 7000-word essay, expounding my many theories on why Katharine Hepburn will never, ever, ever, ever die, but it hardly seems appropriate in light of the Supreme Court's recent decision regarding sodomy laws. Nonetheless, it would've been one of the finest pieces of writing that had ever been blogged, and I vehemently contend that it is as relevant today as it was a week ago.

All we can really do is pray for some sort of a war. Or maybe a bunch of people will boringly vie for their party's nomination in an upcoming election. Or perhaps, just perhaps, we can wish for a high-ranking politician to prove himself or herself to be a complete and utter asshole. See what I did? I pretended like there's nothing going on, when, in fact, nearly everything is going on! That's just the kind of balls-out hilarity you can expect until Neal gets back. Be sure to take your anti-gut-busting pills.

Speaking of Neal, you can thank him for enlisting me again by putting your money where your mouth is. Use that little donation mechanism over on the right side of the page to give to Neal's tour fund. The more you give, the more chance you'll have of seeing Neal come to your town on his upcoming book tour. And what kind of a book tour would be complete without a book? No book tour, that's what kind of a book tour. Be sure to preorder Never Mind The Pollacks from Amazon by clicking right here.

Once you've passed on all of your hard-earned money to Neal and his various ventures, send me an email to let me know what you think of my second attempt at filling the famous Pollack Hush Puppies.

Finally, don't forget to visit my blog and read Haypenny.