Orchestral Maneouvers Of Weapons Of Mass Destruction In The Dark [Jun 9, 2003]

The usual America-haters, such as journalists, elected representatives, and retired intelligence officers have been whining and carping and whining some more of late about our inability to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. They seem to be upset because their side lost the war, and they're obscuring debate by accusing the Bush Administration of "lying."

These critics are disengenous, and possibly criminal. At best, the Administration is telling truth selectively, and there's nothing wrong with that. One person's doctored, fabricated, or misleadingly presented evidence is another person's rationale for saving a backward people from an unjust ruler. From the beginning, the Administration said that there "had been" weapons in Iraq in the "past," and that meant there "were" weapons in Iraq "now." Perfectly logical.

For instance, Colin Powell gave his presentation to the United Nations on February 5th. Now, there very well could have been weapons of mass destruction in Iraq then. Like Donald Rumsfeld has said, the Iraqis probably destroyed them. Or it's possible that the weapons may have just disappeared, magically or otherwise, or maybe been moved to another country we want to invade. Also, Saddam Hussein could easily have handed them off to Al Queda, which could attack us with them tomorrow, so we must immediately forsake all our civil liberties and live in fear for the rest of our conscious days. I wish I could go back in time and ensure that Saddam and everyone in Al Queda were never born. But perhaps that's getting off the topic a little bit.

My personal opinion is that the weapons were used during the war, but that they're very slow-acting. Approximately six months from now, all Americans who were in the Middle East during Operation Iraqi Freedom will begin feeling a mild itching on their skin, which will grow more intense over a matter of days, until they are wracked with agony, and then they will begin vomiting up clear yellow liquid. Soon, their brains will cease to function, and they will become zombie-like and begin eating their children. That's only in the first 28 days. If the infection spreads, all of civilization could be in danger.

How do I know this? From a special group of intellectuals housed in the basement of the Pentagon. They're my friends, and they happen to know these kinds of things. The President's wimpy adversaries have no access to this intelligence. Saddam Hussein possessed dormant flesh-eating zombie bacteria. The reason we can't find it, in the long run, is because it's already inside us, eating up our insides and destroying our souls. It may already be inside you.

So when the President says that we'll find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, he means every word. He ain't just whistlin' shit, people. As we all know, George W. Bush was sent by the Star Creator to save us all. Many, many thousands of Americans are going to die unless we find the antidote. And only one country possesses the antidote.

Iran.

Those goddamn mullahs aren't giving it up, so we're going to have to take it by force. No more Americans are going to die overseas. As Sir Francis Crapshoot, my mentor at Oxbridge, once wrote, "ever."