When It Raines [Jun 5, 2003]

Oh, Hallelujah! Sweet victory! You are out on your ASS, mothafucka!

Please excuse my outburst. I simply cannot contain my glee at the resignation of my archnemesis, now-former New York Times executive editor Howell Raines, the worst newspaperman of my time, or any time, really. The Times' circulation, under his watch, had dwindled to a mere 15,000, and it will take a true genius of newspapering, like me, to put it all back together again. I know I wasn't going to post today, but let me make a few quick suggestions about what I, or whoever else the Times might hire, could do to improve the paper. Remember that I was first to post this, before the competition started gnawing on this story like the Internet hack buzzards they truly are.

1. The Times needs to establish a bureau in the Middle East. They didn't have anyone on the ground during the liberation of Iraq, and under Raines, have relied on stringers and wire-service reporters to cover the Israeli-Palestinian situation. How can you expect to be a "newspaper of record" with all your foreign correspondents living in Paris? I don't care if people buy books about foreign correspondents living in Paris. These are important days.

2. The Times needs to fire all its columnists except for William Safire and replace them with: Ann Coulter, George Will, Dinesh D'Souza, William Bennett, William Kristol, a black guy who is not Bob Herbert, and the ghost of Michael Kelly.

3. Except for the black guy who is not Bob Herbert, the Times needs to fire all its black employees immediately. As I've said in this space before, black people need to start their own newspapers.

4. Add a comics page, without Doonesbury or The Boondocks.

5. More interesting features about the inner lives of novelists.

6. Finally, and most importantly, the Times needs to provide balanced coverage of the Bush Presidency. It's fine to hate America up to a point, if you keep your mouth shut, but don't make everyone else hate it, too. The failing economy, the wartime lies, the quasi-Triumph Of The Will speeches, the dying environment, these are all minor compared to the warm feeling Americans get when they think about George W. Bush. Why doesn't the Times report on that? If you think about it, and I do, every day, Howell Raines is gone, and George W. Bush is still standing. This is the perfect opportunity for the Times to join the American mainstream in mindless adulation of the President. And I am the perfect man to lead the Times in that quest.

My phone is on vibrate, Arthur. I'm waiting.