Who Cares Who Owns The Media? [Jun 1, 2003]

Today, after a long and ludicrous debate forced upon it by "interest" groups such as Internet users and those concerned with freedom of speech, the Federal Communications Commission will issue a completely just ruling. Let us all hail the abolition of an antiquated system of rules that prevents large companies from owning a newspaper and a television station in the same market! We welcome media companies, those most backward-looking of all capitalist enterprises, into the 21st Century. Please allow me to be the first to say: Howdy-do, neighbor!

The FCC's critics obviously have no conception of how the media works. I've worked for many newspapers and magazines, and appeared on television somewhere between four and eight times. I can tell you for certain that the corporate owners of media outlets never, ever, ever influence content, particularly when it comes to environmental news. So stop worrying, you ninnys. The situation has improved drasticallly. Why, I remember 1974 like it was 2000. At 4 PM on any given weekday, your only viewing options were Zoom on PBS, a showing of some old movie like Key Largo on a UHF station, and reruns of The Dick Van Dyke Show. Now look at our choices. Surf Girls, for one, on MTV. J Lo's Top 10 Hot Motorcycles on VH1. Black Judge Court on WGN. Truth Report with Shep Smith on Fox News. And those are just my four favorite stations. There are so many more, some of them sports-related, some of them geared toward women, some of them showing loud Japanese cartoons. So how can people honestly say there's no diversity in media?

Essentially, with satellite-based programming, DVD's, the Internet,I-Pods, cell phones, and many other inventions that I don't know about, one could argue that people have access to too much information, from too many sources. That's what the FCC is trying to correct, and quickly. We are, after all, engaged in a war, a war on Terror, a just war without end, and this is no time for independently-owned media outlets to fall into the hands of people who might oppose the President and his policies. That's why I'm glad Michael Powell is in charge of the FCC. He's just the man to keep the rabble in line.

I believe it was my mentor at Oxbridge, Sir Francis Crapshoot, who said, "an excess of information, if controlled by a excess of providers, inevitably leads to public confusion, followed by free thought and free elections. This can never be healthy for a country fortunate enough to be led by a man sent by God to bring peace and prosperity to all corners of the earth willing to practice abstinence before marriage." I believe that says it all. Antiquated rules of media ownership just get in the way of our divine mission.

There should be one exception to the rule changes, though. The Teabagging Network must continue to be owned by the Danish man who currently runs its programming. Without his knowledge of the ball-dipping arts and his extensive video library, a great sexual practice would fade into the dusk. But I don't really care about any other outlet. Let Clear Channel buy them all. Clear Channel seems to know what it's doing.