Iran So Far Away [May 27, 2003]

At last, the Bush Administration has woken up to realize that the real threat to our national security isn't Al-Queda, or Iraq, or Syria. Our true enemy, our natural rival for dominion over the Middle East, is Iran. In case you were too busy "enjoying" yourself this weekend, let me recap. The United States has cut all diplomatic ties with the Iranian government and is engaging in various subversive activities to attempt to destabilize the country. Our allies in this quest are a highly trustworthy group of gentlemen called The People's Mujahedeen. Don't be skeptical. In the past, when our country's faced trouble, The People's Mujahedeen have always come to our aid. Isn't it about time we returned the favor?

The Saudi Arabia bombings a couple of weeks ago were horrible, the works of conscienceless killers. The only logical response to those attacks? Pin the blame on a sovereign foreign government and do everything we can to get that government out of power. It worked in Afghanistan, and it worked in Iraq. We deposed their governments using bunker-buster bombs. Sure enough, there's no more terrorism.

Wait. OK, so there's still terrorism. But now we know, thanks to the highly trustworthy People's Mujahedeen, that most terrorism comes from Iran. The People's Mujahedeen should know, because the Bush Administration has classified them as a terrorist group. To get rid of terrorism, we must hire terrorists to fight the terrorists, which makes plenty of sense. It requires a leap of logic so small that I don't feel the leap even needs to be taken. If we use terrorists to help us get rid of Iran, or at least its government, then there will be no more terrorism, this time guaranteed.

Let's assume the inevitable. Iran is toast. There's still the important matter of deciding how to prepare that toast, which, as you know, goes well with both butter and jam. Or both. Or neither. Today, as President Bush meets with his Council Of Elders to decide the fate of Iran, it's a good time for us to review our options.

1. We could bomb Iran.

2. We could wait a few weeks, and then bomb Iran.

3. We could embroil the world in a sham five-month melodrama, present sketchy, even false, evidence of Iran's nuclear capabilities before the United Nations, set impossible-to-meet deadlines, bully all dissenters into submission, and then bomb Iran.

4. We could invade Iran while we're bombing it.

5. We could invade Syria while we're bombing Iran.

6. We could, technically, invade Iran while we're bombing Syria.

7. We could admit that our prosecution of the War On Terror has veered horribly out of control and reduce our military presence in the Middle East while still working with international police, spies, and possibly even assassins to knock out key Al-Queda leaders.

I like all the scenarios except for number seven, which was proposed by a liberal reader with whom I'm trying to sleep. But it doesn't really matter which scenario plays out. We win. We always win. Draw your curtains, Tehran! She's gonna blow!