Judge Dread [May 1, 2003]

Despite my unwavering and uncritical support of our conquest of Iraq, and despite my tendency to attempt to destroy the career of anyone who doesn't meet my rigid yet flexible standards of intellectual approval, I consider myself a classic social liberal. That's why the records of President Bush's recent nominees to the federal judiciary disturb me. Let me run down a few of them, all the while urging you to, oh, I don't know, write a letter to moveon.org or something to try to stop this madness. Here goes.

Tom Nelson, 4th Circuit Court of Appeals

As an associate justice in the Kentucky State Supreme Court, Nelson wrote the minority opinion in a case involving the right of smokers to sue tobacco companies for unpaid parking-ticket money. He relayed some disturbing and completely unrelated concerns. "If we continue to allow black people the right hold public office," he wrote, "then we're just itching for trouble. Also, in some states black people may not technically count as one person under the law, and therefore may not technically deserve one vote."

Gwendolyn Masters, 7th U.S. District Court

An unreconstructed conservative, Masters has for years used her seat as an associate appeals judge in Florida to try and outlaw the impregnating of women by any means other than insemination by assembly-line robots. In an American Law Review article, she wrote, "nowhere does the word 'gynecology' appear in the Constitution. Nor was it intended to.'"

John Rznydzk, 3rd U.S. District Court.

In the majority opinion of State Of Michigan Vs. The Unemployed, Rznydzk wrote, "To allow laid-off workers to peaceably make fun of their superiors at an after-work happy hour is a distinct violation of The National Labor Relations Act, which should be renamed anyway. Salaried employees, former and current, should do what they're told. Also, the word 'fired' doesn't appear in the Constitution. Not even in an early draft."

Arnold Woo, 1st U.S Court Of Appeals

Woo, a former scholarship student to the University Of California At Berkeley, has gone on record saying that his admission to college was a "mistake" that "opened the floodgates for others." He's also said, in speeches, that the poem at the base of the Statue of Liberty has been "misinterpreted as pro-immigrant," and that "nowhere in the Constitution does it say anything about equal rights under the law. Wait. It does? Well, then, we need to change the Constitution."

June O'Coughlin, 5th U.S. District Court

In a case challenging a Louisiana law stating that "sodomy is bad for children and other living things," O'Coughlin, speaking for the majority, upheld and enhanced the law, eradicating the right for gays and lesbians to legally exist in that state. "God hates fags," she wrote. "And dykes, too. If you try to get married or hold hands in public, you will be held accountable. You're in George W. Bush's America now, and you're going down."

These are disturbing times indeed. But on a brighter note, in case you missed it, read yesterday's investigation into my inner mysteries on Cnn.com. Don't forget to watch the slide show. Also, it's come to my attention that my novel, Never Mind the Pollacks, has gone on sale at Amazon.com. There's no cover image posted yet, no information at all, actually, but there it is, due out in September. Go here to become the first person ever to purchase a copy. God! You all are so lucky! I wish I could be you!