The First Annual Postmodern Literary Porn Festival [Apr 24, 2003]

Yes. Me. Susannah. Taking over Senor Pollack's place this week. How are you? How have you been? Ah. I see. Well, that is too bad.

In today's fast-paced world, it's important one keep in touch with one's inner postmodernist. To that end, I will be posting here today a veritable pu-pu platter of fascinating quotations that people who work in sex have said to me over the years. Fun!

Shall we begin?

"I'm not involved with anyone right now." This was what a guy said to me after a bukkake regarding why he had participated. I can't remember what he looked like. My shrink thinks this line is hilarious and likes to reference it occasionally in our sessions.

"Oh! You sound like my mother!" This was what a teenager by the name of Brad Parascandolo of Staten Island told me that he said to his now ex-girlfriend, extreme porn star Houston. She is best known for having starred in "The World's Biggest Gangbang 3."

"I’ve not given him a copy of the movie. He could order it." That's what I was told when I asked anal sexpert Tristan Taormino if she had given a copy of the porn movie she starred in and directed, "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women," to her uncle, Thomas Pynchon.

"Getting up and staying up." I asked porn star Mark Davis, who has appeared in 1,500+ adult videos, what his job responsilibities are. He added, "And there’s acting involved as well."

"I think I have good tits." Bijou Phillips came up with this response when I asked her what she liked about herself.

"We would like to produce a porn movie in the vein of one of Oscar Wilde's plays, perhaps 'The Impotence of Being Ernest.'" So said Nici Sterling, star of "Nici Nici Gang Bang," of plans she had to direct porn videos with her occasional co-star husband, Wylde Oscar.

"I prefer a Chia Pet down there." Rapper Trick Daddy shared this sexual secret with me as to how he likes his women's nethers hairstyled. He also said that he wanted to produce a porn movie called, "Black Sex in the White House," in which he would star.

"Porno is the last real facet for independent film." I don't remember who said this to me. I think maybe it was the Mondo Brothers, directors of "The Brides of Countess Recula," a film that features an autofellator, among various other erotic oddities.

"I'm more familiar with Kingsley Amis than with Martin Amis, so it was more like having the son of a famous author on my set." Porn star Chloe told me this in reference to having Martin Amis visit the set of one of her porn movies for "research" purposes.

"I will be remembered as the kid in 'The Toy' and the kid in 'A Christmas Story.'" That's Scotty Schwartz, a former child star who worked opposite Jackie Gleason and Richard Pryor. As an adult, he failed to perform opposite Juli Ashton in "Scotty's X-Rated Adventure."

I tell you, people say the darndest things. Don't ya think?

Hey! I wonder what Xeni's doing right now...