The Violation of Neal Pollack [Apr 23, 2003]

Well, yes. I'm back again. Susannah. You know, the sex writer. Filling in for Mistah Neal this week. Thanks very much to the guy who wrote in yesterday telling me that I had misidentified a dwarf porn star zombie as a midget porn star zombie. How about if, in the future, I refer to these types as ASPWHSFAL: A Short Person Who Has Sex for a Living. Then, nobody will be confused at all.

Anyway, enough about midget porn. Let's talk about Senator Rick Santorum. He's the one who all the gay people are mad at now. First off, let's get clear on what the guy said. There's an actual transcript of the interview done by AP with Senator Sanitarium online, so we can be clear. Anyhoodles, Senator Sanitary Napkin starts off, at least where I started paying attention, by saying that he doesn't mind gay people, but he is totally not down with anal.

Right after that, we get this comment that everyone has gotten their pink thongs wedged up their butts about. It turns out that Senator Scrotum said that if THE SUPREME COURT says that you can carry out consensual humping at home, you can also marry two women, like Neal has, or marry several women, which was explored in depth on last week's "Six Feet Under," which is OBVIOUSLY the best show on TV, and has a lot of gay people in it too, all of whom I enjoy immensely, although I wish Keith, the black, ex-cop character, was straight on TV, like he says he is in real life, because I would like to make the beast with two buttocks with him, or have sex with family members that you are blood related to, or have sex within someone other than your spouse.

One thing that is for sure about this Senator Sandinista is that he obviously has a powerful sexual imagination. And that is hot. I cannot playa hate upon that. Word to the mother. Yet, I digress. But what he concludes is that all this butt boppin' and whoring around will undermine the fabric of our society. Is that like wearing down the rug in the foyer? I did that once. My mom got mad. But, you know what? She bought a new one. If all these erotic colon adventures and extramarital cornholing is wearing down the rug of America, I would think we could always purchase ourselves another.

Back to Senator Flapjaw. Briefly, he talks about some guy named Griswold. That was also the name of a small, sort of wiry, and ever dirty dog that lived around the block from me when I was growing up. In Berkeley. Griswold barked like a nutball at the window every time that you walked by. Like the Senator. I don't know if this is the same Griswold that Senator Sashimi is talking about or not.

So, it seems that what Senator Soup is Good Food is asserting is that sodomy=incest=polygamy=bigamy. This sounds mathematically dubious to me. Although, I am intrigued by the idea of trying to do all of them at the same time. And then seeing if Senator Sodomite's head explodes. That'd be cool.

At the same time, he declares the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be. Beautiful.

But, I'd have to say, at this point, when, out of the blue, Senator Squashbuckler started talking about "man on dog," I was like, "Right on!" Now, we're talking. I'm all about dog humpers. Well, actually, just talking about them. I have a reader at my blog who fucked his dog. [Hi!] These days, though, he has a girlfriend.

In all honesty, in the end, the best part of the interview is when the AP dude says, "I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to talk about 'man on dog' with a United States senator, it's sort of freaking me out." That is hilarious. Homophobes are such perverts. I mean, why is Senator I Sodomize My Dog And I Am So Proud of It so obsessed with all this dog sex? Let's ask his dog.

In closing, I would say that I think this kind of Senator is not a great kind. He is sort of judgmental and also makes me want to barf. How is he going to enact all these No Dog Humping laws anyway? And what about cats? And stuffed animal dogs? And what about Triumph: The Insult Comic Dog? If I were gay, I'd be mad at this Senator. But if I humped dogs, I would be totally pissed off.

I wonder what perversions Xeni is exploring on my blog today?