Mohammed Said Sahhaf's Picks To Click [Apr 10, 2003]

With Iraq free from oppression for the first time in more than 20 years, with the television finally full of images of hope after six months of government fearmongering, with the extraordinary possibility of building a peaceful world order in front of us despite months of hideously botched diplomacy, my first natural instinct as a writer is to attack my imagined ideological enemies. I could hatchet them subtly, in a witty, carefully-composed essay. There's also the option of lashing at them through my chosen medium of the shrill, exaggerated blogpost smear job. Or, I could just enjoy the moment and not really care that people disagreed with me during one of the most contentious periods in recent human history. I think the latter will be my choice, because I'm not a man to hold grudges against the invisible.

So. Many of you are probably wondering, with Baghdad now in American hands, what's happened to Iraq's colorful spokesman and spicy-hot media darling Mohammed Said Sahhaf. Fortunately, I know. Yesterday morning, as soon as the statue fell, I said, "well, that show's over," and immediately started watching sports.

As always, I tuned to The Best Damn Sports Show Period, the hilarious daily talkfest hosted by Tom Arnold. Guess who stopped by? That's right. Sahhaf! Apparently, he's quite a sports expert.

I taped the show, and in case you were watching the fall of Baghdad instead, I'll print some of his choice comments here. The subject yesterday was 2003 Baseball Preview:

"The Detroit Tigers will vanquish all their foes, mightily swooping their bats into the hearts of their enemies! Even as I speak, they are demolishing the New York Yankee oppressors with their superior firepower and top-notch bullpen! The Yankees are fleeing in terror!"

"One cannot overestimate the immense power that the mighty Colorado Rockies hold over the fearful cowards from San Francisco! The Rockies are great mountains that will turn the Giants into puny little midget dogs! The Colorado pitching staff has not given up a run all year, especially at home, and will most definitely set a major-league record for lowest team Earned Run Average despite the imperialist squealings emanating from throughout the National League West!"

"The Texas Rangers, a team once owned by George W. Bush, have no chance of posing a serious threat to their opponents because they overspent on A-Rod! Whenever a team puts all its hopes into one player, it inevitably fails."

Actually, that last comment was made by Harold Reynolds on Baseball Tonight. But here are a couple more choice picks from Sahhaf.

"It is my contention that the Milwaukee Brewers will win this year's World Series! Reports that they have lost their first seven games are entirely untrue! They will not lose more than 25 games all year, and will triumph in the National League Championship series over the powerful Mets, led by the perfect-fielding Mo Vaughan. Then, they will vanquish the mighty Tigers in the fall classic!"

"Pittsburgh Pirates shortshop Jack Wilson, who swings the most potent bat in baseball, will hit a major-league record 85 home runs!"

"Pay no mind to their 7-1 start despite the injury to Derek Jeter! We will defeat the Yankees!"

Mohammed Said Sahhaf. Is the man ever wrong?

One brief housekeeping note. The Cooper Vane, a two-man band from New York City, has recorded a song based on my essay Why Am I So Handsome?, which appears in my book The Neal Pollack Anthology Of American Literature. If you've ever wanted to hear a song that rhymes "handsome" with "Ted Danson," then click here. Enjoy.