On To Damascus [Apr 1, 2003]

I've been so busy making fun of the Cheneys the last 25 hours that I haven't had time to comment on the escalating war of words between the United States and Syria. Rather than succumb to hysterical rhetoric like so many of my former colleagues on both the right and the left, I wish to subject the Syria situation to careful analysis. In his epoch-making book, "The Stud Of Sparta: Confessions of a Toxic Bachelor," Heraclitus wrote, "When one is faced with an enemy on the battlefield, one must look beyond the borders of battle, even as the battle itself rages on. Also, it is perfectly acceptable to kill women and children if they attempt to run a military checkpoint, and if anyone questions your actions, they are being unfair and unpatriotic."

There you have it, out of the pages of the classics themselves. If you ever feel yourself going soft on this just war without end, if you ever find yourself concerned that an influential ministry is distributing pamphlets in Iraq asking soldiers to pray for the President, if you ever consider protesting President Bush's plan to eliminate overtime pay for hourly workers, stay strong. Somewhere in the library you can find a text or article or historical allusion that, if twisted properly, can justify your silence.

Therefore I say without any qualms that the United States, whether it's finished with Iraq or not, should march its troops right into Syria and burn the entire country to the ground. Don't you remember what the Syrians did to us in 1983? More than two hundred dead Marines, and they would have killed more if they'd killed more. Oh, sure, Quaddafi's been quiet for the last 15 years or so, but he's just biding his time, unwisely waiting until our resolve reaches zero. I believe the song goes, from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli. Well, Tripoli is the capital of Syria, and soon it will fall. When the the Syrian people are finally liberated from their oppressive ruler, Mummar Quaddafi, when they finally taste freedom, then, and only then, unless we do it before then, will it be time to invade Iran.

Awkwardly transitioning into another persona, I can tell you that Thursday and Friday will feature guest blogs from ex-soldiers who are now novelists. I'll be in Atlanta, attempting to persuade CNN to give me Aaron Brown's slot. His performance during this war has been less than, how shall I say it? Competent. Plus, I have better hair.

Thanks again for all your help in making fun of the Cheneys. It was beyond successful; I think the participants actually might have totalled in the hundreds. May the Star Creator bless the infinite wonders of the Internet. Some final entries can be found here, here, and here. Also here and here. But no more for now. Must sleep now. Must not dream of Cheney.