Life Inside Iraq [Mar 30, 2003]

When the story of this war is told thousands of years from now by the rightful descendants of the great American empire, the villains will be played not only by the barbarian hordes of Saddam Hussein, but also certain media traitors such as Peter Arnett, Arthur "Scud Stud" Kent, and about half the retired military commentators on cable televison. If they know what's good for them, they'll stop questioning the war plan hatched by Donald Rumsfeld, who I've praised in this space before as "the greatest military strategist since Liu Kang, supreme ruler in the realm of Mortal Kombat."

Rumsfeld uses careful phrases carefully phrased. This is very important, because the media is trying to deny the undeniable. During wartime, the only true version of reality is the one put across by the Pentagon. If Donald Rumsfeld tells you that there is no humanitarian crisis, then there is no humanitarian crisis. If he says that Iraq is not suffering civilian casualities, then Iraq is not suffering civilian casualties. If he says that Syria is arming the Republican Guard, then it must be true. Every single human being in the United States military agrees with Rumsfeld's plan to begin the war with too few troops, limited supplies, and the unrealistic expectation, based on shoddy intelligence, that the people of Iraq would view us as righteous liberators rather than an occupying power.

Peter Arnett. We know where you sleep. You are but bunker-buster fodder for our mighty titanium fighting force.

But enough of creating straw men and burning then down with a righteous match. We need to remember what we're fighting for in this war. To liberate the Iraqi people. One of those people is Raul, an Iraqi teenager who miraculously still has access to email. His experiences and thoughts during the past few days are instructive. I share them with you now.

Friday: 7:30 AM

Dear Neal:

All video-game shipments from Europe have ceased until war's end. I've already played the hell out of Halo and Vice City. The new Zelda is supposed to be awesome. Tell the soldiers to hurry and bring me separate cartridges for my XBox and Playstation 2! Also, it's been really dry around here lately. All the dealers lived in the apartment complex you bombed yesterday. Could you please bring some weed? Preferably skunk. And am I just imagining it, or has Jimmy Eat World been like totally sucking lately?

2:30 PM

Good news! My cousin was conscripted at gunpoint today, so I get his bedroom! Oh, boy. My girlfriend is still alive, and she's coming over later. We've had sex three times since the war started, and it's been getting better. Saddam has said on the radio that we must have sex faster and more often to create soldiers to fight back the imperialist armies. Screw you, Saddam. I wear the glove, extra ribbed for the lady's pleasure.

Saturday

1 PM

This morning, my uncle returned from the market because it was bombed and 60 people died. As usual, my aunt cut into him. "You could have been killed, and you didn't call?" "For Allah's sake," he said, "quit bustin' my balls!" Then my father came home covered in blood and sobbed quietly in an alcove until my mother enticed him out with a tall glass of home-distilled firewater.

Through my binoculars, I can see smoke and dust. Saddam Hussein's killer ninjas roam the streets, executing children at whim. Just another day in Baghdad.

Sunday

9:30 PM

I write this from the last Internet cafe in Baghdad. My house is rubble, and my entire family lies dead. By the grace of Allah, I escaped injury because I was out skateboarding. But that doesn't change the fact that the United States, whether on purpose or by accident, has utterly disintegrated my hard-earned collection of nu-metal concert T-shirts. From here on, I am no longer an ordinary teenage boy named Raul. No. I am one of Saddam's mighty warriors, and I know no fear. Why should I fear, when my heart is but an empty hole? I will fight my conquerors using any means or any tactics. On your rules of war I spit. Your triumph will turn to tragedy as the world watches, cheering. Bring it, imperialist Yankee dog! Show me what you got!

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Ahem.

We won't be hearing from Raul again, will we?

Don't forget that tomorrow, April 1, is Make Fun of the Cheneys day, to protest their harassment of Whitehouse.org. Dozens of websites are already participating, including the highly influential Satanosphere and the hilarious Haypenny. Join us on the joyride! Make fun of the Cheneys!

Now please continue reading below for an unfocused yet poignant and important essay from Joel Turnipseed, author of the Gulf War memoir Baghdad Express.