My Military Qualifications [Mar 26, 2003]

Early yesterday afternoon, I watched Pentagon spokeswoman Victoria Principal masterfully deflect the blame back onto the Iraqi leadership for 14 civilian deaths in a Baghdad market. Then a general claimed, with absolute correctness, that all civilian casualties are the fault of Saddam Hussein because he doesn't love his people as much as we do. I was feeling very proud to be an American. So proud, in fact, that I released my beleagured antiwar manservant Roger from my wine cellar, which doubles as an enemy-combatant prison of my own devising. I asked him to prepare me lunch. Then I got a nasty email, and my mood soured. It went:

"Hey there, you fat prick. Who the fuck are you to judge whether the war is going well or not? And who are you to graft your own narrow-minded ideological biases onto combat situations you know nothing about? Somebody should shoot at your ass, motherfucker."

How offensive, I thought. Yet another deluded leftist turned anti-American thought criminal. Especially because he's wrong.

Fighting has never been my specialty. When I was at Eton, the boys would bout all the time, but I was too busy reading Catallus in the original Greek and helping my roommate perfect his dry-humping technique to partake. However, I've always been pretty good at figuring out who will win the fight, flattering him or her, and profiting mildly from the inevitable patronage that emerges from ultimate victory. When it comes to fights, my predicitions are right-on nearly 65 percent of the time.

Therefore, it's obvious that the civilian uprising in Basra is a sign that the Iraqis are embracing our conquering heroes, emitting the first sweet warblings of freedom as they sit down for a moveable feast with their G.I liberators. Also, the discovery of Iraqi chemical suits on the battlefield is conclusive proof that we were right to force the world into this cataclysmic war. The safety of all countries depends on the near-destruction of one of the world's ancient cities.

Remember one of the key elements, we're finding out, in this battle is the willingness of the Iraqi people to stand up to the Saddamite remnants. That willingness depends, in part, on their confidence that the allies are making progress.

Well, that last paragraph was from Andrew Sullivan. But you get the idea.

Some quick housekeeping. Remember that April 1 is your day to make fun of Dick and Lynne Cheney on your websites. Dozens of humor websites and blogs have agreed to participate in Make Fun Of The Cheneys day, to protest their attempted intimidation of Whitehouse.org. This site will feature commentary by me and a special feature by Todd Hanson, head writer of The Onion, assuming he can lift his tear-stained face from the pillow long enough to make deadline.

Also, I've once again received the press I deserve. Here you'll find a piece by Michael Wall in this week's Creative Loafing, discussing the important topic of my upcoming visit to Atlanta and Athens, Georgia. Never before has the insidious relationship between the writers of America's "alternative" big-city weeklies and their entertainment-industry "subjects" been exposed to such brutal public light. Also, the events in Georgia are going to rule. If that's not enough, there's a fine interview with me, unrelated to Atlanta, at the funny website Lunchboxing. Thank you, Lunchboxing. You've made me a man.

And, finally, the answer to all your questions about what I did at South By Southwest music festival, provided by two separate reporters at the Tucson Weekly, a newspaper published in Tucson, Arizona. Examine this piece and this one. Read them all the way through, because I'm smack in the middle of both. At last, the vicious sandstorm of controversy that swirls around my tormented career will abate, if only for a few days.