If It Looks Like Osama And Sounds Like Osama [Feb 11, 2003]

I was quite busy yesterday covering my windows with cellophane and sealing them with duct tape. Normally, that's not my job, but I'd sent Roger to the store. His mission, by order of Supreme High Homeland Security Commander Tom Ridge, was to obtain three days worth of food and water, plus flashlights, batteries, blankets, and several new Game Boy cartridges. Then a Fox News Alert blasted through my Orange Alert haze.

Osama bin Laden was back. I knew it! I knew he'd return! Al-Jazeera had obtained an audiotape. Well, actually Colin Powell had obtained it, but he'd loaned it to Al Jazeera, which I thought was strange. The Secretary of State's ways are mysterious, and should not be questioned. As I'm sure you can understand, I don't trust the network translators because they're often biased against war. So I decided to translate the message myself. I took a semester of Arabic at Oxbridge, and have definitely sharpened my chops these last two years.

What you'll find, in my translation, is concrete proof that Osama and Saddam are working together with Lionel Jospin to destroy America. Any serious person would conclude that a bombing campaign centered on the Loire Valley must begin immediately. Now shhh. Listen in:

"DEFINITELY OSAMA BIN LADEN (HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY BE ANYONE ELSE, AFTER ALL):

In the name of Allah, the merciful and the compassionate, a message to our brothers in Iraq: Hola amigos! Que pasa?

It's been quite a year for Brother Al-Zawahiri and I here in exile. We're almost done decorating our secret apartment, which may or may not be located in the boot-tanning district of Karachi. I think you'd find it to your liking, despite the unspeakably hideous smells of poison liquid emanating from the dye vats. We have many computers and secret phones, as well as comfortable rugs and access to infidel American television programs such as Seventh Heaven.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that the treacherous agent governments in Washington and Tel Aviv will soon fall, no matter how many emergency-provision packets they are able to secure. Also, we are definitely teaming up with Saddam Hussein to destroy America. Ever since the infidel American forces began blowing up our caves in October 2001, our first priority has been a partnership with an unstable secular dictator whose wholly illegitimate government will crumble within six weeks in the face of the largest global military action since World War II. Saddam's political unreliability and breathtaking record of murderous corruption fits perfectly with our view of a world cleansed pure by the fires of fundamentalist Islam.

I, Osama bin Laden, have been sent by Allah to urge all sincere fighters in our cause to take arms in Baghdad against the Devil America, largely because they have very bad taste in clothing, but also because they allow Jews to vote and because their women are whores. As Al Queda's closest ally, Saddam Hussein, said to me just the other day on our private party line: 'Osama, I sure am glad I'm teaming up with you to destroy America! I can't wait until America is destroyed and you and I rule the world together.'

Yes, Saddam. Our joint rule, since we have SO MUCH in common, has long been the will of Allah. Soon we will kill all the American homosexuals, and then convert all heterosexuals in America to homosexuality so we can then kill them as well. It's all part of our plan, Saddam, which you and I conceived of in our secret alliance many years ago.

As the prophet, peace be upon him, once decreed: 'Osama and Saddam. You must form a super-team of Islamic leaders, and then there's no way you can lose. Also, here's the private number of the French Prime Minister. Give him a call. Seriously.' I might add that once Bush the younger has been defeated, the Germans will have a place at the table, for they've performed their role brilliantly as well. We paid them a load of cash, and also gave them a year's supply of oil, free. Stinking German bastards. The things you have to do to win a Holy War!"

Anyway, the speech went on from there, but I got bored. But isn't that the proof we need to invade Iraq? Osama bin Laden gave it to us himself on Fox News.

What was that noise? What's that smell? Quick! Everyone! Under the dining room table! We're all gonna die!

But before we do, look at this Onion review of Beneath the Axis of Evil, second item down. Then go here to buy your very own copy of this very special book, written by me.