State Of The Union [Jan 24, 2003]

Next week will be an important one in the history of the world, with the Blix report, the State of the Union address, and the Super Bowl going down in three consecutive days. Obviously, my blogging services will be needed by all, but as I stated yesterday, I must go to Amsterdam on emergency business and won't have access to a computer at my hotel, Pieter's Groovy Hash Hut. So I leave you in the trustworthy male hands of Christopher Monks. He'd better not screw up his big chance. Even if he does, I'll be back Monday, February 3.

Fortunately, before I go, I can uncork a whopper. I've received an advance copy of President Bush's State Of the Union Address, and I see no reason not to print it here even though federal law prohibits me from doing so. A lot of the speech is boring, as speeches tend to be, and some of it, like our declaration of war on Germany, is 100 percent super top secret.

The evening begins with President Bush introducing his special guests: British prime minister Tony Blair and a black virgin who got into the University of Michigan law school on her own merit. Then, after 35 minutes of sustained applause, the speech:

"My fellow Americans. Since the horrors of September 11, 2001, we have faced many difficult new challenges as a nation. And we have risen to every occasion, as Americans tend to do. Since that terrible day, our country has more resolve than ever before not to let anything like it happen again. This is a nation of great people, and as people, we have committed ourselves anew to making our nation great. My administration, which my father chose for me after I seized power in a bloodless coup, has led the way. Our accomplishments have been many.

We have brought the world to the edge of a horrific conflict that may kill us all, and in the process alienated some of our closest allies.

We have arrested hundreds of innocent people and held them in prison for indefinite periods of time without access to their lawyers or family.

We have created a climate of low-level paranoia in which ordinary citizens are empowered to call police after overhearing suspicious conversations in restaurants.

We have subjected airline passengers to insulting and useless security screenings.

We have arrested few significant terrorist leaders while allowing acts of terror against American citizens to regularly occur in countries all over the world.

We have decided, in the face of all known scientific evidence, that the best way to prevent the spread of the HIV virus is to promote sexual abstinence among teenagers.

We have rolled back decades of environmental laws, allowing millions of tons of pollutants to be dumped into an already-collapsing ecosystem.

We have badly bungled diplomatic relations with North Korea, the world's most unstable nuclear state.

We have done nothing to smooth over the admittedly intractable Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

We have advocated clear-cutting in our last remaining pristine national forests.

We have spoken out against affirmative action and nominated judges with a history of lenient sentencing for white supremacists while paying lip service to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s "legacy" and the need for increased racial tolerance.

We have caused the world to quake before the might of our amassed armies, all so we can knock out a basically powerless straw tinpot dictator who we installed in the first place.

We have made, and will continue to make, egregious daily misjudgements that will set back social and economic progress in this country by decades.

Even with all our hard work, this is still the greatest country in the history of the world. When the bells of war ring sometime next week or the week after and the pansy French are weeping over the scorched earth of their once-precious Loire valley, our lord Jesus Christ will gaze upon our handiwork and say, I have returned to take you all up to heaven. Hallelujah! The Rapture has begun!

Good night. And may God bless the United States Of America!"