Arrivederci [Jan 9, 2003]

It seems like just last Thursday that I, Matthew Tobey of Haypenny, had begun my stint as a guest-blogger, and now it’s suddenly time for me to say goodbye. And while our time together has been short, I am confident that I have opened the eyes, ears and throats of this blog’s readership to the truth behind the dastardly deeds our government and media like to call terrorism.

Before I go, my newfound friends, I feel that I would be an unbalanced truth crier if I were to not detail those who, contrary to popular belief, are not involved in the terror business and are not in possession of weapons of mass destruction. Just like there are countless others who have their hands up the asses of the puppets of international wickedness and worldwide foul play, this is an incomplete list. Nonetheless, I hope to clear at least a few names before I bid you all adieu.

Blue Man Group: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; Blue Man Group was nowhere near the U.S. Embassy in Kenya in 1998. While their stage show is packed wall-to-wall with less-than-subtle anti-capitalist propaganda, and they contributed a song to the charity album Now That's What I Call Death to the Infidels, the strange paint-faced musicians are all bark and no bite.

Elm Trees: Despite a convincing 1996 report by the New York Times, trees, let alone elm trees, cannot hijack planes or commit suicide bombings on Israeli cafés. However, if a tree were somehow able to commit acts of terror, there isn’t an ounce of uncertainty in my mind, body or brain that it would be the angry, militant and devoutly Wahhabist elm tree.

Hezbollah: Easily the most misunderstood organization in the Middle East, Hezbollah has gained a reputation as a relentless fundamentalist faction but is completely straight, narrow and, some might even say, cool. The truth is, whenever there is an attack on a Jewish temple or a kidnapping of a Western journalist, Hezbollah’s ex-girlfriend has her new boyfriend pretend to be Hezbollah and call the authorities to claim responsibility for the action.

Matthew Tobey: I am not a terrorist. Do you believe me?

The Nantucket Nectars Juice Guys: After months of investigation, surveillance and nectar drinking, Tom and Tom have checked out, and I’ve since moved on to Ben and Jerry. Tom and Tom don’t wear suits and ties, they don’t use high-fructose corn syrup, and they don’t have nuclear capabilities. They’re just juice guys, juice guys whose ties to the assassination of Anwar Sadat are strictly sexual.

I could go on for months, but Neal has things to say, and he will say the hell out of them beginning Monday. While you wait patiently for his long-anticipated return, be sure to email me, read Haypenny and buy as many copies of Neal’s Beneath the Axis of Evil: One Man's Journey Into the Horrors of War as a third mortgage will afford you.

Good day.