I've Got an Unpeaceful, Uneasy Feeling [Jan 8, 2003]

My name is Matthew Tobey, I am a guest-blogger, I edit Haypenny, and I am still alive! I now know how Salman Rushdie feels. In the days since I began revealing the true culprits behind all of the earth's terrorism, I've found myself needing to constantly watch my back, appreciate every breath I breathe and only leave my undisclosed blogging chamber for meals and the occasional "Madagascan Shower." Nonetheless, I have survived for another day of outing the iniquitous.

While I have already begun enlisting my googling and covert message-board skills to their fullest extent in investigating the involvement of the cast of NBC's Scrubs in acts of terror and am mere days away from uncovering their plans to acquire weapons of mass-destruction, they can rest easy until I have irrefutable proof. The Eagles, on the other hand, are not so lucky.

Yes, by capturing our hearts and minds with immeasurably accessible country-ish, rock-type, music-esque sound, The Eagles have steadfastly distracted the masses of the free nations of the world, while behind an evil curtain of acoustic guitars, they rape and pillage all that is good and democratic.

Fact: In 1971, Don "The Jackal" Henley and Glenn "The Jackal" Frey formed a blood pact with each other in Jackson Browne's basement, vowing to dedicate their lives and musical talents to liberticide.

Fact: Bernie "The Jackal" Leadon and Randy "The Jackal" Meisner, upon leaving the band in the mid-70s, underwent extensive plastic surgery before assassinating and stealing the identities of Queen Elizabeth II and Muammar Qaddafi, respectively. By decades end, the same will be done to Timothy B. "The Jackal" Schmit, Don "The Jackal" Felder and Joe "The Tiger" Walsh.

Fact: Don "The Dragon" Wilson is not in The Eagles and is likely, as they say, "clean."

If you're shocked by any of this, you're more jaded than I had originally feared. My dear people, you don't turn a ten-track greatest hits compilation into the best-selling album of all-time without dabbling in a little tyranny. And by "a little tyranny" I mean a lot of tyranny and a heaping helping of the black arts. Hell Freezes Over indeed!

Email me your questions, comments and suggested uses for old copies of Hotel California on vinyl. Have you bought a few copies of Neal's book Beneath the Axis of Evil: One Man's Journey Into the Horrors of War lately? You should. While you're at it, read yourself some Haypenny.