The First Piece of an Infinity-Piece Puzzle [Jan 2, 2003]

Once again, I, Matthew Tobey of the Haypenny editorial staff, am sitting in for Neal Pollack, author of Beneath the Axis of Evil: One Man's Journey Into the Horrors of War. Thank you for your patience, dear players and haters, as you were left hanging, waiting for the unmasking of the true men, women and children behind the malicious terrorist attacks that seek to challenge freedom worldwide. Your patience will pay off in spades right…now!

Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda Community Players Guild have been contracted to perform as the terror side of the War on Terror by a conglomeration of several groups with one common goal: to disable freedom and spread evil. Like earthbound Skeletors for the new millennium, these monsters have no idealistic or religious agenda, just an undying thirst to make the good and free relinquish and wither in the darkness of their hot, musty shadow.

It will come as a great surprise to many, but won't even incite a crook of a brow from a few, that one of the most prominent peoples involved in this amalgamation of iniquity are the Eskimos. Don't bother picking your jaw up off the floor, you'll just end up picking it up again and again as you read on. The Eskimos want it that way.

Fact: Of the 27 Inuit words for "snow," eleven are "death to liberty and free-market economics."

"But that doesn't make any sense!" you're surely screaming, confused, frightened and naked, as you've suddenly ceased to trust even the clothes upon your back.

This is a culture that encourages the wearing of tennis rackets on one's shoes. Sense is not something they are in the business of making. And that is without even broaching their illogical, irrational and nonsensical practice of kissing with noses. Anyone who has ever had the misfortune of being on either end of an Eskimo blow-job is more than aware that there is terror billowing from within the igloos of these so-called north-people.

This is all a lot to handle, I realize, so I will give you the weekend to let it sink in and decide whether this shrouded and evil-ridden world is one you still want to live in. For those who stick it out, I shall return Monday to expose yet another chunk of this malevolent assemblage.

Channel your fear, paranoia, shock and fear into an email to me, right before you click here to read Haypenny and click here to buy several copies of Neal's Beneath the Axis of Evil: One Man's Journey Into the Horrors of War. It does for the war on terror what Fast Food Nation did for books.