The Truth About Cats and Dogs and Terrorism [Jan 2, 2003]

Good day, readers. My name is Matthew Tobey. Most of the time I serve as one-quarter of the editorial staff at Haypenny, but until January 13th, Mr. Pollack has invited me to assume his blogger chair, wear his blogger pants and smoke his blogger pipe, whilst he tends to other urgencies. To thank him, you should buy his book.

In keeping with my pledge to my dying mentor, Mark Twain, I will not squander this opportunity to have my voice heard. These next several days, friends and enemies, truth will be exposed, while opinions, editorials and op/eds lay by the wayside, clinging to life by mere threads after being lambasted by cold, hard, ass-shattering facts.

With all due respect to my host, I must begin by pointing out that Mr. Pollack is a fool. He can't be blamed, however; none of you can. You've been blinded by a combination of bright, shining lies and wool over your eyes. Even our fine president—easily one of the most aromatic commanders in chief since Wilson, maybe even Tyler—even he fails to see the forest for the trees.

The middle-eastern "terrorists" are decoys! There, I said it. Osama bin Laden and his band of troublemakers are simply a front, an out-of-work acting troupe, down on their luck and willing to do anything to make a few bucks, even pose as a large international terrorist organization bent on destroying all that is big and tasty in the world.

"But who is behind it all?" you're shouting at your computer screen, sweating and/or weeping with shock, anticipation and shockticipation. I'll tell you who. I'll tell all of you. Though I'm risking my reputation as an editor of a popular but revenue-free wit/lit website as well as putting myself and my family in danger, I will spill the beans that no one wants spilled. But be warned, the truth is so mind-boggling, so soul-rattling, so flies-in-the-face-of-everything-your-parents-teachers-and-clergy-have-ever-taught-you, that you might never look at yourself the same way ever again, especially if you're a terrorist.

In the meantime, email me, read Haypenny and buy Neal's book.