Start Killing Today [Dec 6, 2002]

An extremely disturbing missive, brought to us by trustworthy government translators, oozed out of the Middle East yesterday. What kinds of animals talk like this? What foul beasts, slouching toward Bethlehem waiting to be born? To threaten children with terrorism. On Christmas! The day our lord and savior Jesus Christ was born! These monsters. These foul and hideous monsters about whom The New York Times refuses to tell the truth.

Well, with Christmas approaching, in the name of the holiday's birthsake, kill them all! Like our President has stated, we can manufacture evidence that they, or people with skin coloring very close to theirs, possess weapons of mass destruction, and maybe even bombs.

Oh, man. I can't wait for war to start! It's gonna be sweet. And sad. Let's not forget sad. Sweet violent sadness. A great literary theme.

I am a writer, and I will tell you about the sadness but the sweetness and the inevitability of history on this blog. That is, until some magazine hires me at $3 a word and I get a regular gig on a D.C. talk show. Then I'll just slap up a shirtless picture of myself instead.

Kill them! Kill them all! They are our enemies in god's war!

As for Sodomy in Texas, I'm in favor if it involves Austin resident Ethan Hawke, but against if it involves Kinky Friedman.

Thanks so much. This weekend, buy my book.I'll be back next week with more exciting opinions from the heart of the Internet.

Roger! Fetch the mesquite!