Rock the Vote [Nov 5, 2002]
I was planning to run for Congress this year, specifically as a member of the House. I had been planning my political takeover since 4th grade – when I started watching Meet the Press on Sunday mornings.
I had timely campaign slogans playing on my unemployment and immense desire to move back to the east coast:
CAST YOUR BALLOT FOR LIZZ OR YOU’RE NEXT CHICAGO! -the terrorists
VOTE FOR ME! I’M UNEMPLOYED AND HAVE LITTLE ELSE TO DO!
EXCLAMATIONS SHOW ENTHUSIAM!! I LIKE CAKE!
I would make no claims, gestures, speeches, platforms or promises.
In fact, my whole campaign was to exclusively bash and slander every opponent until they all dropped out of the race in humiliating epics of failure. Or at least watch them deny my lies and rumors in ridiculous campaign ads…
“There are currently rumors circulating that I enjoy eating babies. I have not, for the record, ever eaten a human child nor do I intend to.” -Joe Congressman -- loves babies, but not for dinner.
“My opponents have claimed that I run a small cartel to pay for my 2002 congressional campaign. I assure you these are unfounded and unsubstantiated lies. I’ve never even been to Columbia, let alone with a band of renegade soldiers, mules and a large selection of hollowed out shoes!” -Joe Congressman -- loves hugs, not drugs. (Except prescription drugs for the elderly. And only short hugs with limited touching to clean, healthy voters. Or no touching at all.)
Anyway, I think that it might be too late to try for the world of fat cats and slutty interns. Or fat interns and slutty cats. Lesson learned? Heed the deadline set for weirdo third party candidates and bored, unemployed twentysomethings.
Unless you live in the Chicago area and want to write me in for the House of Representatives. I’ll take any district. But remember -- I’m only in it for the kickbacks and free money.
LIZZ WESTMAN FOR CONGRESS!!!!!
