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March 13, 2003

Introducing Neal Pollack

You know, the more I think about it, the more I wish Neal Pollack hadn’t called me all those horrible things. Not because I don’t like being called horrible things, but because I’d planned to spend a good portion of my week here slandering the guy, and I fear I’ve lost the element of surprise. But we must press on, because otherwise we’d have to come up with something else, and we are very, very lazy. So, to the defamation!

Neal Pollack is a racist. Don’t believe me? Well, perhaps you’d believe Neal Pollack. The following statements come from a series of columns he wrote for Mother Jones in 1987:

“If Jesse Jackson wants credibility, then Jesse Jackson better turn white.”

“It sickens me that ‘people’ like ‘Refrigerator’ Perry are famous. The only one of them who should be famous is Crispus Attucks. At least he had the good manners to get famous by being shot and killed.”

“Martin Luther King??? This is someone we’re supposed to admire? For what? Being a communist spook who cheated on his wife? Or is it because he’s the only black man who never killed somebody over a drug deal? Who are we supposed to admire next? Wayne Williams?”

“I don’t much care for Mexicans.”

And the list goes on and on. Feel free to draw your own conclusions. But if you’re still not convinced that Neal Pollack is the Devil, then perhaps you’re unfamiliar with “family man” Neal’s misogynistic side. The following come from a column Neal wrote for the Utne Reader in 1990-1:

“Boy, that Betty Friedan is a bitch. I bet ya she wouldn’t mouth off so much if she weren’t so goddamned fat and ugly. Even a woman like that needs a dick in ‘er every now and then, and I'm a guy who'll put my dick in just about anything that has a big enough hole in it, but, shit, man, I wouldn’t fuck Betty Friedan with Elizabeth Cady Stanton’s dick.”

“The problem with Gloria Steinem (other than that she’s a woman) is that she thinks she’s smart. Dumb bitch. There’s no such thing as a smart woman; in fact, there are only two kinds of women: pretty women and ugly women. A ‘smart’ woman is just an ugly woman with glasses. Look it up.”

“Women are only good for two things: fucking and punching.”

I expect you get the point. No? Well, here's what he had to say about the lower classes in a 1986 piece for The Nation:

“Hands Across America? How about Hands Across a Couple of Job Applications, you impoverished filth!”

“One the chief complaints these working-class scum make is that their apartments are too cold in the winter. I say we let them use the homeless as heating fuel, thus killing two birds with one stone.”

“Oh, boo hoo hoo! You say you're hungry? Then eat your squeegee, ya lowlife!”

Yeah, okay, I realize that many of you are probably thinking, “Neal Pollack writes satire. Which means that if he said those things, it's actually the polar opposite of what he means.”

Well, you're wrong, folks. On two counts. First of all, Neal Pollack doesn't write satire, he writes crap. Second, satire doesn't have to be the opposite of anything. And third, even if Neal Pollack does write satire, Utne, Mother Jones, and The Nation have strict editorial policies that would have prevented such work from being published. Case closed.

So there you have it, Rob Diener fans. I know whose side I'd rather be on.

Do you?

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