A difficult choice
Well, hello there. This is Roger, Neal's much-put-upon manservant. I come to you today from the grounds of Neal's spacious estate at the foot of Mount Winchester because Neal is off meditating on a most difficult choice. And what a difficult choice it is! I tell you, I wouldn't want to be in Neal's shoes today. Not like that would be possible. My feet are large, manly, and working-class, while Neal has dainty little feet, like a girl's, or a deer's. I'm not paid to make the tough choices, thank goodness. I just do everything around the house, including the laundry and gardening, and occasionally I narrate. So while Neal chews his cuticles, torn by a moral dilemma the likes of which few of us will ever face, I'll sit in this comfortable chair, type, and drink my Benedictine and brandy.
Neal's choice is a direct result of our High Orange Terror Alert. And what a terror alert it is! Ever since Dan Rather interrupted The Young And The Restless on Friday, Neal and I have been on eggshells, sometimes literally, sometimes not. By Friday night, Neal was positively pacing the house, at least the upper floors, saying,
"They're coming for us this time, Roger. I know they are. This time, they're coming for us all."
I tried to soothe him while I burped Peggy, our clone baby.
"Now, master Neal," I said, "the government just wants us to be extra cautious because they're hearing chatter."
"Chatter!" he said. "Chatter! My god. Do you know what that means?"
"No," I admitted.
"It means they're coming for us!" he said.
"I see," I said.
Neal turned sharply, as if on a dime. He grabbed my lapel. His eyes blazed wild with fear.
"Roger!" he said. "Did you stockpile the anchovies?"
"Yes," I said.
"The good ones?"
"Yes."
"Oh, thank god," he said. "At least our emergency provisions will have some flavor."
The house was quiet the next morning. Peggy and I watched a While You Were Out marathon on TLC, and Neal worked on a piece for The Weekly Standard called "Kill The Poets, Kill Them All." It seemed all was back to normal at the proverbial foot of Mount Winchester.
Neal came screaming into my manservant's quarters.
"Roger!" he said. "I just called the FBI!"
"But why?" I said.
"There's a man at the base of our driveway," he said. "A dark man! A wetback!"
"Oh, goodness," I said. "How awful!"
"Yes!" he said. "Yes! Fortunately, the FBI knows that I'm a loyal soldier in the War On Terror. They're sending two members of their elite crack special Homeland Security Response Unit immediately!"
"And how do you feel about that?" I said.
He looked at me strangely.
"Safe!" he said.
We went to the front window, with its magnificent vision of mountains, oceans, and a lonely, ice-covered seaside town, abandoned for the winter save me, the master, Peggy, and several thousand simple fisherfolk whose parties, Neal says, aren't nearly as good as those of the summer visitors. I looked outside. Two burly agents were wrestling a man to the ground. Oh, no!
"Master," I said. "That's Tony Alvarez."
"Who?" he said.
"Our postman," I said.
Neal began to rant. Illegal immigrants shouldn't be delivering our mail, he said. They could put biological agents into our letters or slip a copy of The Nation into our catalogs. In this climate, anyone is capable of anything.
"He's not an immigrant," I said.
"Oh," said Neal.
Two days later, the agents visited our house. Tony Alvarez was innocent, they said. But they had methods. He could be guilty if we'd just give them a little more time.
Neal was, and is, torn. On the one hand, he's denying a hard-working man his freedom. On the other hand, he's already published an article called "The Enemy In Our Driveway," and he doesn't want to lose face.
What's Neal going to do? What terrible choice is he going to make? Will Tony Alvarez rot in prison for the rest of his life, or will he be released only to see his hard-earned Postal Service pension channeled into a risky mutual fund that will ostensibly pay for his prescription drugs when he gets old? His fate is in Neal's hands.
Tune into this blog next week at this time to discover the thrilling conclusion of this story straight from the heart of our War On Terror.
I'll be right here. Will you?
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